The Supreme Court rules that the first amendment protects dickheads acting like dickheads at military funerals.

Libyan rebels hold on to an oil port after a vicious attack from government forces.

Two U.S. airmen were shot and killed on a military bus today in Germany—possibly by a Kosovo national.

The Senate narrowly avoids a government shutdown by extending funding for two more weeks—just enough time to steal all the computers and flat screen TVs.

In news that shouldn't surprise Charlie Sheen, authorities took his twin sons away after the actor bragged on national TV about his "epic" partying and porn star girlfriends. WINNING?

In Sheen's defense, this father is much worse. (Seriously, read the headline and try to forget you ever read it.)

Tennis star Serena Williams receives emergency surgery after discovering she has a blood clot in her lungs.

At long last, the Pope exonerates the Jews for killing Jesus Christ. OH, THANK YOU, POPE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! (Is Roman Polanski next?)

A group of Tacoma sixth-graders were expelled after forming a "fight club." Okay... which one of you assholes talked about fight club?!?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Expect wind, rain, sun and balmy temps in the low 50s throughout the week.

And finally, even though Charlie Sheen is having a rough day, I'm sure he'll just listen to the following motivational mashup, and he'll be WINNING again... like a F-18, bro!