Miley Cyrus—WHO I DESPISE AND YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU EVER READ ANY OF MY STUPID TV COLUMNS—hosted SNL this weekend and pretended to be Justin Bieber on "The Miley Cyrus Show." The sketch was "pretty cool." Except for the Miley Cyrus part. HE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT, YOU DUMB, SNAGGLE-TOOTHED HILLBILLY!!

OKAY, OKAY! Esperanza Spalding beat Justin Bieber out of a Grammy! Can we puh-leeeeze stop gloating about it already?!?

And finally, Der Beeble is growing a mustache.

So first he cuts his hair, then he flips off the paparazzi, and now he's growing a pedo-stache? Pretty soon he's gonna be worshipping ME! (And the cycle of life will be complete.)