As mentioned in GMN, the reason it took you so long to get to work this morning is because of the GET MOTIVATED! business seminar currently underway at the Rose Garden. Though this may come as a shock, I decided against attending this seminar... but not because I think I'm too awesome (though—let's face it, guys—I am pretty stinkin' awesome!!). I chose not to attend this huge pep rally because it has already done its job: I'M SUPER DUPER MOTIVATED, YA'LL! Here's how I got that way:

1) The Get Motivated! seminar motivated me to run 13 stop signs in the central eastside this morning in an attempt to get to work on time.
2) The Get Motivated! seminar motivated me not to attend because of their repulsive guest speakers, which include Laura Bush, Rudy Giuliani, Terry Bradshaw, Bill Cosby, and Colin Powell. Hey, Get Motivated! Where's Ann Coulter and Muammar al-Gaddafi?
3) The Get Motivated! seminar motivated me to read an article from the Oregonian (a great feat in and of itself) on the Get Motivated! seminar, which thanks to the following paragraph motivated me to get kinda depressed.

Willis and Carmody, assistant managers of a Southeast Portland Burger King, waited outside the Rose Garden ticket office to meet fellow Burger King team leaders from eight franchises around the Metro Portland area. Their district manager suggested they all attend.

4) The Get Motivated! seminar motivated me to go to Burger King for lunch!

GET MOTIVATED! to hit the jump for more of my motivations, as well as a totes motivating motivational video that explains why motivation killed the leader of the civil rights movement. MOTIVATE!

5) Then the Get Motivated! seminar motivated me to search YouTube for a Get Motivated! video clip that contains a crazy number of cliches and patronizing platitudes. Here's what I was motivated to find!

6) Guys! You know who discovered the cure for polio? MOTIVATION! Do you know who spearheaded the civil rights movement AND killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.? MOTIVATION! (Motivation is apparently kind of a dick sometimes.)

ANYWAY! I am completely fucking MOTIVATED right now, and I'm ready to put that MOTIVATION into action. Here's what I'm planning to do for the rest of my day:
1) Tell my fucking BOSS to FUCK OFF and give me a FUCKING raise!
2) Take off my underwear, put on some loose sweat pants, and go to a strip club!
3) Challenge Erik Henriksen to a push up contest, and stomp Ezra Ace Caraeff on the foot as hard as I can!
4) Turn over the company refrigerator!
5) Photoshop myself making out with Mila Kunis!
6) Annnnnnd… take a nap.

How about you, you lazy sack of shit? What's MOTIVATION gonna motivate YOU to do today??