Here at Blogtown, we are true connoisseurs of the world's finest spirits. Sixty-year-old Macallan, or a half-finished bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 rescued from a dumpster—actually, if you mix those two together you'll have a little drink I like to call the "Hobo Billionaire." No matter what it is, we will drink it. That is why the fine folks at Colt 45 sent us a case—a case!—of their latest malt beverage, Blast.
Although it has yet to hit store shelves (and boxcars) everywhere, Blast has generated quite a bit of publicity so far. Snoop Dogg has signed on as its spokesperson and the gray lady dubbed the drink "controversial" and set up a complicated paywall to hide from its delicious contents. Blast seems primed to be the successor to Four Loko, although it has no caffeine in it. Just alcohol. 12% per can. Blast comes in either a girly seven-ounce container or a manly 23.5-ounce option, and there are four teeth-decaying flavors: Strawberry-Lemonade, Blueberry-Pomegranate, Raspberry-Watermelon,
Acai-Wheatgrass and Grape. Our refined palates were given Blueberry-Pomegranate and Grape to taste test. Hmmm, if you hold your thumb in the wrong place, that Grape bottle gets awful suggestive.
Here is what drinking Blast is like, in three easy steps/sips:
Sip #1: Holy shit, that is terrible. It tastes like a Smurf vomited in my mouth.
Sip #2: You know what? It's not so bad.
Sip #3: /wake up in a daze. Where the fuck am I and how the hell did those pictures of me get on the internet?
Shockingly, when offered a taste of Blast, not a single Mercury employee turned it down, or even waited until the work day was finished. Here are some random sampling of comments from our staff (identities have been retracted to protect the innocent and the day-drunk).
• "It's a pixie stick straight to the brain."
• "This grape flavor is, by no small margin, the most disturbing flavor I have ever tasted."
• "You know that heaving, slightly prickly, swollen-tongue feeling you get just before you're about to barf? The folks at Blast have managed to bottle that sensation."
• "It's growing a tail on my mouth."
• "I've drank about half a bottle so far. My heart is beating irregularly and the inside of my mouth tastes like gasoline. I don't feel durnk [sic], I just feel sick."
• "I don't think I want to play this game anymore."
• "It gave me the bad shivers."
• "LEMME TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY THINK ABOUT YOU AN—" (Erik Henriksen said this. He then took a "sleepy nap" on the sofa.)
So there it is, Blast by Colt 45. Coming soon to a liquor store, house party, and weekly newspaper office near you!