FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
Unlike you shitstains—who apparently have nothing but time to waste—I'm a busy man. Let's get this over with so I can get back to my Barney Miller DVDs.

• Alison Hallett interviewed some whiny ballerinas and ballerinos who—when they aren't adjusting their dance belts—are attempting to replace the Mercury as Portland's least-relevant publication. Good luck, asshats!

• Impressively, Marjorie Skinner found something even more annoying than a rag devoted to the cha-cha-cha: A list of the designers who will hawk their preposterous wares at the Mercury's upcoming fashion show. I look forward to heckling all of them.

• In even more bullshit fashion news—JESUS SHITTING CHRIST, WILL IT EVER END?—man-child Wm. Steven Humphrey analyzed Wonder Woman's new costume, noting "her bustier is 37 percent more nip-slippy." I do not care, as I will not be watching Wonder Woman; as my collection of rare adult entertainments proves, I only watch women act when rates of nip-slippage are at 100 percent.

• Apparently eager to speed the death of print journalism, Ned Lannamann—who, the non-retarded among us might recall, is employed by a newspaper—taught his two readers how to steal the New York Times.

• Forced to drink something other than his usual strawberry daiquiri Bartles & Jaymes, Erik Henriksen passed out on the Mercury's urine-soaked couch. It was the highlight of his week.

• Sarah Mirk mistakenly decided it was newsworthy that some idiot wore an idiotic hat.

• Denis C. Theriault reported that Randy Leonard had a bad day. It's nice to see Theriault's "writing" is being influenced by his current reading material.

• Surprise, surprise! Neither Ezra "Ace" Caraeff nor Courtney Ferguson did anything even remotely interesting. Their continued inept laziness is bounds for termination.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.