GOOD MORNING, MY BLOGTOWN LOVELIES! THE SUN IS SHINING, THE BIRDS ARE CHIRPING, AND NEWS IS AFOOT. LET'S GO TO PRESS!!

The Japanese sent in their best robots to get readings from their crippled nuclear reactor, who returned with this message: "That shit's radioactive, yo."

Cleanup begins after devastating storms rip through the south and kill at least 45 people.

Stocks took a nose-dive after opening bell this morning, because of somebody or something cutting their outlook or whatever, and who cares really, because all you want to know about are the broad strokes. Soo... stocks plummet! PANIC!!!

The FAA will be giving their dozey air traffic controllers an extra hour off between shifts—presumably for "nap time" which includes a carton of chocolate milk, and a mat rolled out on the floor.

A man accused of knocking down girls and groping them as he picked them up at a roller skating rink claims these kids are just jealous of his awesome skating skills.

And oh yeah... taxes are due today. Better get started on that.

From the "this isn't exactly shocking" desk: A study conducted in Oregon shows that teens—both gay and straight—are more likely to commit suicide in politically conservative areas.

From the "why exactly didn't this happen sooner" desk: Nicolas Cage was arrested this past weekend on charges of public drunkeness and domestic abuse.

Timbers win 3-2 in their second home game against FC Dallas. Check out Brian's full regurgitation of the game later on today!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Mostly sunny with highs in the mid-50s throughout the work week! LET'S PLAY SOME FRISBEE GOLF!

And finally, Carrot Top straightened his hair, y'all!