For the past few months I had been hanging out with a guy who is in a relationship. I had told him nothing could happen and we decided to keep things friendly whenever we bumped into each other. A while ago, I made the drunken mistake of climbing into the backseat of a car with him (elegant, I know). Things got racy pretty quickly, mostly a bunch of making out and touching, but then he asked if I was on birth control. I told him yes, because I was and he penetrated me and came inside of me after one thrust The next day I got all emotional about our situation in relationship to his relationship, and OMG what kind of girl does he think I am now, and blah blah, blah. He's since stopped talking to me because I freaked. Here we are a bit later and I just had a pregnancy scare. Had I been pregnant I would have had an abortion. If I'd actually been facing the prospect of abortion I would have called and told him... but would that have been the right thing to do?
I wouldn't have asked for money or support of any kind; I would have told him solely because it would have felt wrong not to. I had some feeling, like he should know because he has a right to know, you know? While my scenario is a bit specific, I can't imagine I'm the only woman whose been faced with a "to tell or not to tell" situation of some kind, so I thought I'd ask you to weigh in.
My response after the jump...
I think a woman who's pregnant and has decided to have an abortion should tell the guy who knocked her up... unless she sincerely believes—or even legitimately suspects—that the guy is gonna freak out and bully, badger, and/or do violence to her in an attempt to prevent her from choosing abortion and ending the pregnancy.
Guys need to know when they've dodged a bullet. Being made aware that he came this close to eighteen years worth of child support payments can lead a guy to be more cautious with his spunk. Not all birth control methods are foolproof, he needs to realize, and not every woman who claims to be on birth control is telling the truth and/or being diligent about taking those pills every day. There's nothing quite like hearing that almost-a-daddy bullet whiz past your head to convince a guy to put that condom on the next time he's fucking a woman he isn't serious about even if she's on birth control.
And... um... gee. This is probably going to get me scratched off NARAL's Christmas card list, which will be a real bummer (last year's card was great: "The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Church Sex Abuse Scandal—all of this could have been prevented. Happy Holidays from your friends at NARAL"), but I gotta be me...
A guy—a good, decent, non-abusive guy—should be told about an impending abortion so that he can, if he feels the abortion is a mistake, make a case for keeping the baby. It's still the woman's choice in the end—there should be absolutely no question about that—but the fetus, if not that uterus, is his too. It seems only fair that the same guy who would be on the hook for child support payments if you decide to go through with the pregnancy be heard before you follow through on your decision to end it.