FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
Like the colicky infants of inbreds, the Mercury imbeciles continue to screech incessantly about nothing in particular, desperate for anyone to pay them heed. Do not.

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• Noted anti-Semite Alison Hallett inspired an insipid comment thread in which Blogtown's navel-gazers giddily engaged in a simpering hand-wringing contest.

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff ceased whimpering about his incompetent Trail Blazers for just long enough to point out that the music venue Berbati's has returned. ATTN. BERBATI'S BOOKERS: You know what to do.

NewsRadio superfan Courtney Ferguson worried that "comedian" Andy Dick was missing somewhere in Portland. Not even Andy Dick cares where he is, you dolt.

• In a "news" story that read like a particularly painful Portlandia skit, Denis C. Theriault reported that Portland city employees are fatties, despite an initiative involving Zumba classes.

• Speaking of Mr. Theriault, he lost on Jeopardy! this week, humiliating and disappointing his family, his employer, and his adopted city. Yet, bewilderingly: The inept Wm. Steven Humphrey refused to fire him. Hot tip, Mr. Theriault: Perhaps next time you appear on an internationally renowned television program that relies heavily on historical trivia, you should study some fucking historical trivia instead of blabbering on about whatever the shit a Zumba is.

• The cretinous Ned Lannamann called your father a hipster or something. That reminds me: I highly recommend the Firefox plug-in that automatically scrolls past anything containing Mr. Lannamann's byline.

• Somehow lowering the Mercury's standards to subterranean levels, Erik Henriksen accused a fictional comic book character of being a pedophile.

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• Marjorie Skinner was even more useless than usual this week; while I shall not complain about her blessed silence, I can only hope it is due to her preparations for her upcoming appearance on Let's Make a Deal.

POST-SCRIPT: In regards to local media personalities who don't make you want to shove rusty bits of barbed wire into your ear canals, Steph Stricklen, the loveliest lady in Portland, revealed on her scintillatingly saucy Twitter feed that she will be anchoring a newscast beginning in September... and will continue hosting the delightful program Live @ 7 to boot! Please join me in congratulating Portland's favorite news vixen on her much-deserved success. Ms. Stricklen, I look forward to purchasing you a fine steak dinner, over which you and I shall discuss this exciting news... amongst other things.

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