It was Miss Scarlett, with the lead pipe, in the Ballroom.
  • It was Miss Scarlett, with the lead pipe, in the Ballroom.
Photos of Osama bin Laden's body have not been produced, not yet at least. If those photos haven't already been snapped, well, good luck getting a glimpse. Because getting a camera down to the bottom of the North Arabian Sea will be a pain in the butt. (Although I guess this could become the 21st century equivalent of hunting for the Titanic.)

And you know what that means. We've been left to rely on the "official" word of the "government." And woe to those who can't wipe the gauze from their eyes! You can't see what's right in front of you (except for at least one fake photo). Osama bin Laden is still alive! (Or maybe he just died a while ago?) Anyway, here are some of the best conspiracy theories we've seen so far this morning:

• OBL was just an "old asset" of the CIA's who's time had come for "discarding." He couldn't have planned the 9/11 attacks on his own, according to Russia Today's coverage, and we finally decided it was time to blot him out. "Lee Harvey Oswald is the best analogue for Osama Bin Laden."

• OBL has been declared dead before, but through faked videos and audio recordings, we kept his identity alive to justify the "war on terror." It should be painfully clear he died 10 years ago during his high-wire escape attempt through Tora Bora in Afghanistan, either because we bombed his cave or because his kidneys killed him first.

• Right-wing military overlords have faked OBL's death, to provide justification and cover for a series of American-assisted terror plots on American soil. That way they can get on with their whole Take Over the Government From the Inside plan. (This guy is joking, but I'm sure too many people won't get that.)

• The Washington Post suggests a couple of doozies: The timing of the announcement, on May Day, was carefully chosen to to provide an ironic bookend to George W. Bush's "Mission Accomplished" propaganda debacle, and help get Barack Obama re-elected. Also: How the shit did the Pakistanis not know OBL was living in a luxurious compound less than 70 miles from their capital city possibly since the start of W.'s second term? Hmm?

• Last night's presidential speech clearly kept getting delayed so it would serve as the perfect lead-in to the West Coast feed of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice. I made that one up. It's the dumbest yet.