CRYSTAL BALL—Celebrate the opening of the new Crystal Hotel with a three-day extravaganza with M. Ward as the load-bearing funmaster. He'll be entertaining the lookie-loos with a cadre of musical pals like Corin Tucker, David Bazan, and Doug Martsch. Come to gape at the former gay bathhouse, stay for the awesome concerts. CF
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, Tues-Thurs, 9 pm, $25 (FREE events begin at 4 pm), all ages

D-R-U-N-K—The only thing missing from the spelling bees of your youth? Booze! Tonight, the Amazing Stumptown Spelling Bee takes over the Someday Lounge with DJ Dundiggy, prizes, guest judges, and plenty of spelling embarrassment. Drink up, nerds. EH
Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm, $3