I am a 45-year-old male who has been in a long-term relationship (over 20 years) with another man. We built a successful business and live together in a nice home. We have traveled extensively and are totally committed to each other. However, there is a problem. Although I absolutely adore this man, I absolutely love to eat pussy. Except for that one fetish, I have no desire to be with women sexually. I have a female friend who I have known for quite a while. Although she has a serious boyfriend, he will not go down on her. For the past two years, she would come over to my place once a week and I would eat her out. She likes to finish off by giving me a hand job (though I close my eyes and think of Brad Pitt). She doesn't consider us to be cheating because we do not fuck. Last week, my boyfriend walked in on us. He became irate and said that proves I am really straight and has suspected so for a long time. How can I convince him that I am still in love with him?

Canned Ham Fancier

My response after the jump...


I'm not sure I'm the best guy to advise you, CHF.

Your fetish, if it/you exist, would seem to be extremely rare among gay men—indeed, a willingness to perform cunnilingus is held up by some (ahem) as definitive proof that a guy can't be gay. But as there are straight/straight-identified guys out there who wanna suck a little dick (but aren't interested in having relationships with men) it's within the realm of the possible/plausible that there are gay men out there who wanna eat a little pussy (but aren't interested in having a relationships with women).

So assuming you exist...

If you've been banging the BF for 20 years, CHF, that has to count for something. And you have been banging him for 20 years, right? Regularly banging him? Enthusiastically banging him? Banging him senseless? Because all of that banging has should've lead your boyfriend to conclude that you were bi, not straight, when he walked in on you eating pussy. The life a heterosexual can be a sad and sordid thing—my email proves it—but heterosexuals rarely waste their entire adult lives in the closet married to a same-sex partner who does nothing for them. So unless there's something else that might have lead your boyfriend to conclude that you're straight—no interest in gay sex, no interest in Glee—then he overreacted.

But even if your boyfriend comes to accept that you're not secretly straight—even if he accepts that you're gay-with-an-asterisk—cheating counts for something too. Your BF has a legitimate beef about you having sex with someone else without first getting his consent. So even if he gets past the you're-secretely-straight issue, CHF, you'll still have to confront and work through the you-cheated-on-me-what-else-have-you-lied-to-me-about issue.

Get into couple's counseling if you can find a sex-positive couples counselor (not always easy). You're going to need a referee present while you discuss your fetish, how he found out about it, and what it means for your relationship and your future. With 20 years invested in this relationship I'm hoping your boyfriend doesn't walk away over a little pussy. But if he's been long been unsatisfied and wants out—see, "no interest in gay sex," above—he may seize on this as his excuse.