It probably doesn't surprise you that the Mercury office is built like Fort Knox. We need this extreme level of protection to safeguard us from people like you (or Navy SEALS) who have no qualms about murdering us in increasingly creative and gory ways. OR MAYBE I'M WRONG. Maybe we're just being overly paranoid, and you have better things to kill in your spare time.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that the door leading into the editorial department (which is always locked, and guarded by a keypad that delivers a 50,000 volt shock if you punch in the number wrong) is broken.


News editor Denis Theriault apparently has the strength of twenty mongoloids and snapped the door's handle off like the leg bone of a baby bird. Currently, the door is WIDE OPEN to any serial killer or angry reader who wants to stroll in and garrote Erik Henriksen's throat. So what I want to know is this: SHOULD WE BE NERVOUS OR ALARMED? If anyone is planning on killing us today, it would be nice to know so I can get the door fixed. If not? I'll wait until tomorrow, or maybe Friday.

So if you would, please answer the following poll.