Welp, they've finally found a replacement for Charlie Sheen on the ridiculously bad sitcom Two and a Half Men—and no, you're not gonna like it. From Deadline Hollywood:

CBS and Warner Bros. Television announced today that Ashton Kutcher will join the cast of the hit comedy, TWO AND A HALF MEN.

"I can't wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented 2.5 team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in viewers' homes," said Kutcher. "I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people!"

"Ashton is a pop culture triple threat—film star, cutting-edge producer and a social media pioneer," said Nina Tassler, President, CBS Entertainment. "He brings creativity, energy and personality to everything he touches. We are thrilled to have him, and excited beyond words for what he brings to the next season of TWO AND A HALF MEN."

"Ashton Kutcher brings a new and distinctive comedic flavor to 'Two and a Half Men,'" said Peter Roth, President, Warner Bros. Television. "He is a big-time talent whose unique style will blend...

Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!! NOBODY LIKES ASHTON KUTCHER, NOBODY LIKES CHARLIE SHEEN, NOBODY LIKES CBS, AND NOBODY AT ANYTIME, ANYWHERE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE LIKES TWO AND A HALF MEN!!! (Oh, God! Is this how you're repaying me for past sins? By actually making me have an emotion about this news? YOU CRUEL BASTARD!! Why don't you go give a kid leukemia, and leave me the fuck alone??)