Here's my question:

Five years ago I when I met my boyfriend he was a sweet, sober (in AA), slightly overweight guy. We had great kinky sex, and were inseparable. After two years I left for graduate school in a different state and we stayed together. Fast forward to now, I moved back and we are engaged to be married, but he's drinking again, smokes weed morning noon and night, and has gained at least 50 pounds (munchies). As a result of this, and his revival of his partying days, our sex life has been a bit rocky since I returned to Seattle. I think his weight is even affecting his ability to maintain an erection. We've talked about him losing weight, but he can't seem to get motivated. And it's not that I don't like to party, I do, and we live on Capitol Hill and there's always something awesome going on.

So I did something stupid—and let me preface this by saying that I know I am a terrible person, going to hell, etc. I was cruising Craiglist adds for entertainment and masturbation purposes and stumbled upon some adds that happened to be people into my particular kink. One thing led to another, and I ended up being "raped"—that is, fake raped, consensually—by a guy I met through CL. And it was amazing. I'd never gotten anywhere near that close to fulfilling my ultimate sex fantasy. Going in I had the idea that I could just do it and get it out of my system, but of course that wasn't the case. Now all I can think about is hooking up with this CL dude again, even though I already feel like shit for cheating in the first place. I still love my boyfriend and I want to marry him, but I want to be able to have great, kinky sex too. Is that too much to ask?

Confused In Cap Hill

My response after the jump...


It's not too much to ask—but you didn't ask. You went ahead and did it, CICH, without his okay, without a pass, and now you feel like a cheating piece of shit because you've been behaved like a cheating piece of shit. And in realizing your ultimate sexual fantasy you've learned that 1. realizing your ultimate sexual fantasy is not the same thing as purging it (it's a fantasy, not a demon; it was sex, not an exorcism) 2. your particular ultimate sexual fantasy is easily realized (and can be safely realized so long as you take all reasonable precautions—meet in public, get real contact info, tell someone who you're with, play whenever possible with people you trust, etc). Knowing what you know now, CICH, it's gonna be hard to go back to lousy sex with your wasted fiance.

Yeah, yeah: you're in love. And it's lovely that you're in love your hard-partying, perpetually-stoned, well-off-the-wagon fiance, CICH, but you're not satisfied by him sexually—not anymore—and he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that an ambitious young woman like you will be satisfied by emotionally, intellectually, or socially over the long haul. Don't marry, cheat, and divorce, CICH. Dump, fuck, and explore instead.

And getting dumped might be the kick in the ass your soon-to-be ex-fiance needs to moderate his intake of pot and booze and chips and generally get his shit together. If he does, CICH, perhaps you'll be able to take him back in a year or two—this time with a deal in place that allows you to be with him and have great, kinky sex with him again and with the odd CL Dude too.