In news everyone saw coming two weeks ago—good for you, prudish America!—Anthony Weiner is expected to finally bow to pressure from his Democratic bosses (and Republican hypocrites) and resign his seat in the U.S. House of Representatives.

Some people, meanwhile, are moving up in the world. People like Ayman al-Zawahiri, formerly the Will Riker to Osama bin Laden's Captain Picard. With bin Laden dead, Zawahiri is taking the helm of at Al-Qaida and warning everyone he's not to be effed with.

Also moving on up? People who raised millions of dollars in campaign gifts for then-presidential candidate Barack Obama. Eighty percent of his biggest donors have wound up with administration jobs—despite Obama's pledge to end the politics of access.

Blah blah hockey blah blah Boston Bruins blah blah win Stanley Cup Game 7 blah blah ... wait? what? RIOTING! That's what! Disappointed Canucks fans up in supposedly more genteel Vancouver, Canada, set fire to cars and garbage cans, break copious amounts of glass, and generally act like asshats.

We've seen photos of her smiling, a milestone in and of itself. Now Congresswoman Gabby Giffords, shot in the head during a rally outside a grocery store this winter, has been sent home from the hospital. Will she ever return to Congress? Who knows. Getting home is more than good enough, though.

This inspires confidence in our nation's online security. The CIA's website is the latest reportedly busted into by the cute types slaving away for hacker den Lulz Security.

Redneck to wife: "Let's go out tonight." Wife to redneck: "But we have a 4-month-old baby and no one to babysit." Redneck to wife: "Bullshit we don't need no babysitter. What about our pet ferret?" Wife to redneck: "Touche! Lemme put on my stirrup pants!"

I shot Tupac Shakur. But I did not shoot the deputy. A confession emerges in one of hiphop's most august and enduring mysteries.

The confession was meant to provide "closure"
for Tupac's and Biggie's mommas. Tupac, let it be said, would have turned 40 years old today.