Oh my, it's time. Will Portland make yet another draft day move? Will the state of Utah get crazy (crazy wholesome that is) if they draft Jimmer Fredette? Will we all fall asleep by the time Portland makes their select? This is likely the last NBA event we will see this year (lockout coming), so let's enjoy it while we can...

Pick #1:
Cleveland is on the clock. No matter who they select, Donte West will sleep with their mom. While we kill time before we hear the name Kyrie Irving, let's examine this rumor. Do. Not. Like. Raymond Felton looked like a star when playing under Mike D'Antoni, but he's not the answer for what ails Portland.

Irving is a Cav! Congrats to a player who has played only 11 more college games than myself.

Pick #2:
Minnesota selects Derrick Williams, who they will later trade for both magic beans and a cow to be named later.

Pick #3:
I really missed these behind-the-scenes shots of NBA executives proudly clapping after making their selection. From now on, whenever I complete a task at work, applause for me. Also, ESPN's Jay Bilas acknowledges the drinking game based on his trademark phrases ("wingspan" etc.). Weird.

The Utah Jazz select Enes Kanter. Don't worry people of Utah, he's white.

The Kanter highlight is great. Nothing says "future superstar" like clips of a nearly 7-foot guy refusing the dunk on a wide open basket.

Pick #4:
Cleveland is on the clock. Again.

The Cavs select Tristan Thompson. A slight surprise. Doesn't seem worth a fourth pick, since he can't really score or shoot free-throws. Then again, this draft is so soft. Hell, I might go fifth.

Pick #5:
Toronto picks Jonas Valancu... Val... ugh, the dude everyone is comparing to Pau Gasol. Proud of Toronto going out on a limb and drafting a soft European player.

Pick #6:
Washington selects Jan Vesely. He'll be the greatest Czech player since Jiri Welsch. Actually, I think if there is any European player that surprises people in this draft, it's him. The Wizards are going to be fun to watch .

Vesely gives his girlfriend a huge kiss. First time a player has kissed anyone other than his mom. Everyone gets booed at this event, but the crowd sure seemed to like that. Lesson learned.

Pick #7:
Charlotte (via Sacramento) picks Bismack Biyombo. Best name, and possibly the best player in this draft range. Definitely the riskiest, but Rich Cho isn't afraid to make a bold move like this.

He was playing basketball in Yemen two years ago. How good can that league be? I feel like I could probably get on the court there.

Pick #8:
The Detroit Pistons draft Brandon Knight. Good thing Jimmer didn't end up going to Detroit, that city has suffered enough.

Pick #9:
Charlotte (again) makes a selection, and it's Kemba Walker. Rich Cho finally gets his point guard.

Pick #10:
Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! The King select the whitest white guy ever. Shawn Bradley raises a glasses of milk in approval of this pick.

Pick #11:
Golden State selects Klay Thompson. Nice to see a WSU player get some attention. He's basketball's Ryan Leaf. Also, he's a SG, which means Monta Ellis will be filling out a change of address card soon.

Pick #12:
If the NBA is locked out for the entire 2011-12 season (it could happen), what will the 2012 draft order be? Exactly the same?

In less confusing news, the Jazz are reeling from missing Jimmer by a single pick. They settle for Alec Burks instead. People in Utah are not happy tonight.

Pick #13:
The Phoenix Suns don't trade Steve Nash to Portland, and instead they select Markieff Morris. He's a twin, so when he gets fouled hard at the basketball, his brother Marcus will feel it. That also means the Suns will have two twins on the roster (Robin Lopez being the other one). Adorable!

Pick #14:
And then the other Morris was picked. Marcus Morris is selected by Houston, thus ending the lottery portion of this evening. No trades. Just some twins, a guy named Bismack, and a dorky Mormon. So disappointed in this draft so far.

Pick #15:
Kawhi Leonard is drafted by the Indiana. He then gives an interview about how his mom is moving to Indiana to be near him. I hope he tells her that he was just traded to San Antonio in exchange for George Hill. Otherwise, that would just be cruel. "LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM!"

Pick #16:
Philadelphia selects Nikola Vucevic. I can't help but think he'd be a second round pick in a stronger draft.

Pick #17:
The Knicks are on the clock. They need to take Isaiah Thomas, just to mess with people.

Instead they select Iman Shumpert. He is booed by the dignified Jersey crowd.

Pick #18:
Washington is having a good draft. They nab Chris Singleton here. Good talent for a #17 pick, especially since he can really play NBA-level defense.

Pick #19:
Milwaukee-via-Charlotte select sleeper pick Tobias Harris. Speaking of sleep, I am about to fall asleep. This draft is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Pick #20:
Minnesota on the clock. If they take Kenneth Faried I will kill a wolf in protest. Just like on Game of Thrones.

Nope, they take Donatas Motiejunas. Hahahahahahah.

Pick #21:
Blazers are on the clock. My advice: Kenneth Faried! Kenneth Faried! Kenneth Faried! Kenneth Faried! Kenneth Faried!

ESPN just called the team the "Toronto Trail Blazers." I sure wish someone told me the team moved. How awkward.

NO! The Portland Blazers select Nolan Smith. Even worse, he's from Duke. Jay Bilas calls him a "winner." Smith is fine, maybe even the second best PG in this draft. But I'm skeptical if you can build around him. Just one more backup PG to throw on the pile.

NOOOOOOOO! Andre Miller has been traded to Denver for Raymond Felton. I hope this deal falls through, unless the Blazers walk away with something great (not named Bird Man Andersen).

Pick #22:
Denver selects Kenneth Faried. Hopefully this will be swapped with the Blazers pick. The rumor mill has him going to Portland in the Miller deal. When God closes a door on Andre Miller, Kenneth Faried comes crashing through the window.

Or not. No Miller and no Fariad. This is not a good night for the Blazers.

Pick #23:
Houston drafts Nikola Mirotic. I don't know who that is. I don't care. I already miss Andre Miller.

Pick #24:
Oklahoma City selects Kevin Durant. Again. They did it just to be mean to Portland fans.

Actually they select Reggie Jackson. Uh, okay. Guess that means Catfish Hunter will be drafted next.

Pick #25:
Boston is on the clock. I am anxious for this pick, since it means I can stop blogging and commence drinking. Hurry Danny Ainge, hurry!

The Celtics take Marshon Brooks and trade him to New Jersey. Sure.

Pick #26:
Dallas picks now. That teams needs help carrying their championship trophy. Look for them to select a strong player with great lifting, and trophy polishing, skills.

Jordan Hamilton is the pick. I bet he asks for a championship ring.

Or not. Dallas is shipping this pick to Portland for Rudy Fernandez (!) and then the Blazers will send Hamilton to Denver as part of the Felton deal. Dre and Hamilton (and Rudy) for Felton? Something does not add up here.

Portland also gets the #57 (ugh) pick from Denver in exchange for 2007 Finnish pick Petteri Koponen. Now this makes even less sense.

Pick #27:
JaJuan Johnson to Boston-via-Jersey. My "I Heart Rudy" shirt to Goodwill, via a trash bag dropped on their loading dock.

Pick #28:
Norris Cole goes to Miami-via-Minnesota-via-Chicago-via-the-airport. I think I got that right.

Pick #29:
Cory Joseph goes to the Spurs. He's from Texas, so won't be freaked out when he gets a slice of white bread with his BBQ.

Pick #30:
Chicago selects Jimmy Butler and the first round is mercifully over.

Once we know more about the craziness that is the Blazers/Nuggets trade, we'll update it here.