After six years together and more than three years of marriage, my husband came out to me as gay last week. It wasn't a secret he was hiding (save for deep denial); he honestly just now figured it out. We're both 27. There's not a lot of info or support for straight partners, because most (as it is assumed) divorce immediately. As he came out of the closet, I went in. I'm torn between being his biggest ally... yet my own hurt, anger, shame, and guilt are making his transition more painful. Most of our years together have been happy, if virtually celibate. I'd previously gotten angry at his total lack of desire for physical intimacy, which has left its own emotional scars. While I still love him and want him in my life, I'm more than ready to move on—but he doesn't want to separate under any circumstances. Maybe he just wants to keep up appearances a little longer, maybe because we are both poor and it's nothing but financially prudent to combine resources. But I've been feeling trapped for years already. How can I move on and find someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved, without hurting his feelings, or impeding his own search for self and happiness?

Sad In Motherfucking Portland

P.S. I know there are many letters more fit for print but at this point I am just trying to reach out to anyone who might know info or resources about this unusual, sad situation.

My response after the jump...


Your situation, while sad as hell, isn't that unusual, SIMP. In fact there's an organization for people who've found themselves in your shoes: The Straight Spouse Network. And you don't need your husband's permission to leave him. Go, SIMP, if that's what you need to do.

And on behalf of all gay people everywhere, I'm sorry.