Over on Portland Indymedia, someone has posted the most creepily polite "you're banned" letter I've ever seen. It's from New Seasons. And it's a revelation all of us ought to behold.

Dear Kristen,

I want to thank you for coming to our Store Support offices to share the details of your difficult, genuinely painful experience at our Seven Corners store. It showed a high degree of trust in Claudia and myself - belief that we would truly hear you.

Indeed, trust is at the very core of this dilemma. Therefore, I feel confident in proposing a clean, simple resolution to a very confusing sequence of events. You deserve a fresh start devoid of uncertainty and mistrust.

I envision that fresh start including a neighborhood store which is not a part of New Seasons Market. I am concerned that returning to Seven Corners (or any of our other stores) would entail continued feelings of discomfort - the sense that you might have to prove your innocence, so to speak. To the contrary, it would be to your advantage to shop or enjoy a meal in an environment where there are no unpleasant distractions. This would allow you to redirect your abundant energies toward your art, interest in working with children, and overall happiness which is of prime importance.

In keeping with this call for a fresh start, we support Miguel's decision to permanently preclude you from visiting our stores. And, since we are obligated by store policy to call authorities if this request is not honored, we must remind you of this consequence for returning to any of our locations.

I'm very grateful that you voiced your need for clarity so that we could work together toward a positive, concise resolution. Again, thank you for your trust.

Mary Alison Leatart
Customer Advocate
New Seasons Market

Happy America Boom Boom Weekend, y'all!