LOOK. We all know what happens when aliens drink.


That tragic incident led to the UN's 1982 Ban on Extraterrestrial Intoxication, a piece of legislation that I think we can all agree was perfectly reasonable. Despite the best efforts of those liverspotted, milk-chugging freaks, we've saved ourselves a lot of trouble over the years.

So if 7-Eleven's latest blockbuster tie-in Slurpee—one inspired by Cowboys & Aliens and dubbed "Alienade"—isn't for those goddamn Martian alkies, who's it for? Humans? I think not, sirs.


I'm not going to say much about Alienade itself, other than to note that (1) I had to go to not one but two 7-Elevens in order to track it down—the things I do for you people—and (2) While it's billed as "AN OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD BLEND OF STRAWBERRY, RASPBERRY & LEMONADE," it tastes like an out-of-that-urinal blend of kerosene, cheese grease, and lemonade. The only other thing I will say is that after drinking a single Slurpee's worth of Alienade, all I could do in order to come to terms with that unforgivable mistake was to make like E.T. and hit the Coors like a motherfucker. Shortly thereafter, my attempts to make my bike fly were successful, from a certain point of view.

But enough about worse-than-herpes Alienade! Let's talk about why Harrison Ford's so sad.


Look, Indy, there isn't a lot of middle ground here. You're either stoked about this "being on a cup" business or not.


You are not. These eyes are dead.

Perhaps realizing that our nation's fine schoolchildren would rather jump off a cliff, yank out their own toenails, or drink a sip of Alienade than purchase anything bearing the pouting visage of Grampa Grumpums, this time around 7-Eleven brought out the big guns when it came to their premium novelty collectible Slurpee cup. And by "big guns," I mean "big gun." And by "big gun," I mean "whatever the hell that laser bracelet thing is from the Cowboys & Aliens trailer."


Yeah, that thing, whatever it is! (Hey, Cowboys & Aliens/Iron Man director Jon Favreau: Robert Downey, Jr. called. Not sure why.) Anyway, whatever the hell that thing is is back... in cup form! Behold what $6.99 of the Mercury's money will buy you at 7-Eleven:


Fuck yes it has real light-up action. Finely crafted from approximately 26 pounds of possibly toxic plastic, this cup is, I believe, the first light-up tie-in cup since Burger King's short-lived The Fellowship of the Ring collection of LED-powered goblets, which were painstakingly reproduced from Bilbo's actual LED-powered goblets at Bag End. As someone who has always deeply felt—and will always deeply feel—that not enough cups light the fuck up, it's been a long, long wait... and my new, majestic, and incredibly impractical Cowboys & Aliens Slurpee cup has delivered.

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I mean, hell. Look at it at night! It's like what a cup would look like at J.J. Abrams' house!


In conclusion, Alienade is the worst thing ever invented, and yes, that includes both carob chips and people who ride tall bikes. Also in conclusion, let it hereby be known that henceforth I shall never again drink from any cup that is not a precise replica of Cowboy James Bond's light-up space-jewelry.