Our Republican cat has a new favorite toy
  • Our Republican cat has a new favorite toy

Looking to kill some time before Lost Lander took the stage on Saturday afternoon for their (quite excellent) PDX Pop Now! set, the better half and I went exploring the vast aisles of unwanted goods at City Liquidators. While walking there, I regaled my wife about the time I once bought a stack of Talking Master P dolls (make 'em say uhhh!) at City Liquidators back in 2001. As fate would have it, in the very same dusty corner where chatty Master P was discovered a decade back, there was a sad looking stack of Talking Dennis Miller dolls (make 'em say meh?) for sale.

$7.90 later, one of the dolls was mine.

Much to the surprise of no one but myself, the Talking Dennis Miller doll is pretty racist. I've lost touch with Miller of the years and with the exception of his SNL work and the time he ruined football, I wasn't aware of his transition into the shrill, xenophobic, right-wing comedian he is today. But all it took was a push of a button (no string, since no one pulls the string of a man like Dennis Miller) to hear such classic "jokes" as:

Other than the bombs they strap to their chest, I have no absolutely no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

Woah there, racist toy. With that kind of an attitude you aren't going to make many friends in the toy box.

But not only is the Miller doll hateful, the jokes are filled with timely punchlines that still resonate today, such as:

"The only way we were gonna get the French to go into Iraq was to tell them there were truffles in there."

Ha, ha, you sure told those dumb frogs and their "truffels" (which is how the box spelled it). Oh, oh, now do the United Nations. If there is one thing I know about comedy, it's that U.N. jokes kill every time.

"Who ya gonna rely on now, the UN? Last time I was in New York I took the United Nations tour… even the guidebook was spineless."

Zing! Keep it going, make me laugh you fucking doll:

"You'd like to get an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth with terrorists but every time I see them on TV all their teeth are rotted out of their heads or else they've lost as eye because they saw a chick's ankle somewhere along the way"

Totally, because only ugly people commit acts of terrorism. I think it's time to take the doll out of the box and let our cat destroy it. It's the humane thing to do.