Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn, is stepping in for Dan Savage, who is on vacation. Chris will be writing the “Savage Love Letter of the Day” all this week. You can read more from Chris at his blog at Psychology Today, and follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Sex at Dawn has just been released in paperback.

Hey Dan,

I am 17 year old girl and for many years now I have had really intense feelings for some of my best friends who are girls. I haven't told them or anyone else about it. What's even more confusing is that I have had really serious relationships with guys. Is it possible that I am Bisexual? Is it possible that I am a lesbian who happened to find a few guys I was attracted to? I don't know what to think or feel and I feel like if I tell anyone they will think I am nuts.

Confused as Hell

My answer after the jump...

·················

Hi everybody. Before we get to my response, I’d like to just take a line or two to thank Dan for leaving the SLLOTD in my trembling, inexperienced hands this week. The best by-product of publishing Sex at Dawn was getting the chance to meet Dan, Terry, and DJ in person on my visit to Seattle last year. My apologies in advance to you unlucky five whose letters got chosen (great!) but fell into my basket instead of Dan’s (damn!). I’d also like to apologize to those readers who get irritated every time Dan mentions our book. I get it: you don’t understand why he plugs our book so generously. Seriously, I get it. I’m with you. I don’t understand either, but Cacilda and I (and our publisher) sure are grateful!

Now to CAH and the eternal question of female bisexuality.

No CAH, you’re not nuts. You’re 17. Which is far too young, by the way, to have been having any sort of experience for “many years!” You’re curious; you’re horny; but you’re not nuts. You can relax.

I know Dan’s taken a lot of heat for his stance on male vs. female bisexuality, but the research supports his oft-stated belief that some degree of female bisexuality is essentially standard-issue for many women, while true cases of male bisexuality are about as rare as a happy self-search on Google for Rick Santorum. This isn’t to say there are no male bisexuals, but it is to say that there’s absolutely nothing alarming about a typically horny 17 year old girl being attracted to people of both sexes.

I hope it’s not considered cheating if I quote from Sex at Dawn at some length:

Psychologist Richard Lippa teamed up with the BBC to survey over 200,000 people of all ages from all over the world concerning the strength of their sex drive and how it affects their desires. He found an inversion of male and female sexuality: for men, both gay and straight, higher sex drive increases the specificity of their sexual desire. In other words, a straight guy with a higher sex drive tends to be more focused on women, while higher sex drive in a gay guy makes him more intent on men. But with women—at least nominally straight women— the opposite occurs: the higher her sex drive, the more likely she’ll be attracted to men and women. Lesbians showed the same pattern as men: a higher sex drive means more women-only focus. Perhaps this explains why nearly twice as many women as men consider themselves bisexual, while only half as many consider themselves to be exclusively gay.

Those who claim this just means men are more likely to be repressing some universal human bisexuality will have to consider sexologist Michael Bailey’s fMRI scans of gay and straight men’s brains while they viewed pornographic photos. They reacted as men tend to do: simply and directly. The gay guys liked the photos showing men with men, while the straight guys were into the photos featuring women. Bailey was looking for activation of the brain regions associated with inhibition, to see whether his subjects were denying a bisexual tendency. No dice. Neither gay nor straight men showed unusual activation of these regions while viewing the photos. Other experiments using subliminal images have generated similar results: gay men, straight men, and lesbians all responded as predicted by their stated sexual orientation, while nominally straight women responded to just about everything. This appears to be how we’re wired, not the result of repression or denial. (pp 276-7)

So my advice to you, CAH, is to relax, slow down, and enjoy the many years of wonderful sexual experiences you have ahead of you. Be compassionate and kind as often as you can, and be safe always. But don’t worry about being nuts. Most girls your age have the same range of feelings, but most of them just don’t know it yet.