Hello! I've read & enjoyed & learned from your column for years! So, here's my problem. I haven't come during sexual activities with a partner for 3 years and want that to change.

I'm 30 & want to fuck everything in sight. (Thank you, hormones!) About 3 years ago, I dated for the first time w/out taking the pill. The pill lowers your libido, & without it—holy shit!—sex was so much better! (We used condoms instead.) He was fun, but too focused on racing to the orgasmic goal. I'd always liked fooling around, enjoying the moment & getting off, not pressuring my partner to come. Since dating him, everyone I've been with has gotten off & I've had some good times, but I have not come! It's bullshit that they're not concerned with my orgasm, too! I blame pornography for 1/2 this problem. In most porn, a woman "comes" despite having expressed no preference in what she wants!

I know the drill: open your mouth & speak up. But I'm so god damned pissed & bitter. How do I TACTFULLY say to my brand new man—who is stunningly gorgeous, has 8.33 inches of glory & the sex is great but with an orgasm holy shit we could power downtown Los Angeles—that I'm really enjoying him but a few happy noises don't mean a thing?

I guess the first couple times you have sex you're figuring it out, but I guess he hasn't asked me to do anything specifically and he's gotten off and now I'm reluctant to say anything to him. On the other hand, the whole intercourse thing is set up for male orgasms, so he doesn't really have to say shit. So I'm a little shy, but want a sexy, nice way to give directions.

Please advise. Thank you!

Sex More Fun With Os

My response—and SMFWO's response to mine, and mine to hers, and hers to mine to hers, etc.—after the jump.


Can you make yourself come by touching your clit? When you masturbate?—Dan


I can! I'm a fantastic masturbator & I change it up.—SMFWO


Okay then! So when he's fucking you... why not touch your clit yourself? It works really well, I'm told, when the woman's on top, or when you're doing it doggy-style, etc.

This must have occurred to you? And short of SPEAKING UP—best to tell him NOW that you're not getting off (you're enjoying yourself, but not coming) then to let him assume those squeaking sounds you're making are what your orgasms look/sound like—acting up is your best option, SMFWO.

And why not speak up? Most straight guys are invested in their partners' pleasure... well, maybe I should say that the straight guys worth fucking are invested in their partners' pleasure. And maybe I should add that sometimes a guy who isn't invested in your pleasure is so fucking hot that he's worth fucking regardless. But all of good guys—and some of the bad boys—like to think of themselves as the kinds of guys who get women off. These guys, good and bad, welcome feedback and value communication because it helps 'em get the ladies off, which makes 'em feel good about themselves, because it's all about them in the end.

But if you can't bring yourself to tell him it's/you're done, T.R., work up the nerve to show him it's/you're done.—Dan


Thanks for the reply! I'm so touched you wrote! I guess it's more about foreplay—he seems to jump right into having sex. I wasn't sure how to extend the foreplay til I'm ready to have sex. But thanks for the reassurance. I feel more confident taking action now.—SMFWO


Here's a trick for extending foreplay: tell him you want to have sex without having vaginal intercourse—or anal intercourse, for that matter—at all. Tell him you want to do some mutual masturbation with him, maybe with a little oral tossed in to make it sing, because you wanna build up some erotic tension, without going completely orgasmless, before your next vagainalsexapalooza.

Then it's basically ALL foreplay, SMFWO.

Then, once you're going at it manually and orally, tell him you want to come first—to turn him on, if you absolutely have to frame this as an all-about-him thang—and then he'll finally get to see what it looks/you look like when you actually have an orgasm.—Dan


I love you. :) Thanks! That is a fantastic idea I am definitely going to be using.
I'll give you an update when the time comes!—SMFWO


You're welcome, SMFWO, and I'm going to toss our exchange up as the SLLOTD. You'll wanna check back later because I'm sure our commenters will have lots of good advice for you too.—Dan