Hey! For reasons that are completely inexplicable, the movie studios did not screen Conan the Barbarian for us in time to put it in this week's paper. However, you can read Ned's hilarious review for it online RIGHT NOW. Here's a taste:
In this 3D version, Conan is literally carved out of his mother's womb on the battlefield—a good start, although I couldn't tell you what a nine-months pregnant woman was doing in the middle of a battle. It's only the beginning of a really, really long prologue about Conan's childhood, in which Ron Perlman plays Conan's dad; li'l Conan is a super-good fighter but he lacks discipline, and then one day some dick named Zym (Stephen Lang) rides out of the woods and kills everybody, including Conan's dad, so he can complete his collection of magical bones that all click together to form some kind of bony mask of evil.
I'm actually wearing one of those bony masks of evil right now! Anyway, read the review. It's good.