Dear Portland:

At around 10:15 pm last night, were you shooting a submission for our HUMP! homemade porn contest on the west bank Esplanade (more accurately, Waterfront Park)? I'm just wondering, because between the Morrison and Hawthorne bridges I saw no less than three couples in various stages of HOT 'N' HEAVY SEX. When I rode past on my bike, couple number one was still fully clothed, but digging deeply into each other's clothing (and presumably, genitalia). Couple number two (about 50 yards on down the path) were enjoying oral copulation. And couple number three (maybe another 30 yards further) were doing some heavy duty, pants down, shirts off, legs entwined hardcore fucking—in the grass, yes, but mere inches away from the sidewalk! (NOTE: While I certainly didn't hang around to watch and fully assess the situation, there was no indication that anyone was being assaulted, and it all appeared to be 100% consensual—so cool your jets in advance.)

YES, I understand it was a balmy 70 degrees, and YES, I am not unilaterally opposed to public sex—but seriously... can't you move it to somewhere that's a little further away from my face? It makes me uncomfortable, mad, jealous, and a tad horny. But angry horny!

For those of you who were NOT involved in last night's waterfront orgy, how do YOU feel about it?