I am a 26 year old lady that has been in a relationship for nearly 2 years with an awesome dude. We live together, we love each other, he is GGG, we're best friends, everything is generally pretty great. I, however, have a bit of a problem I've created for myself. A few months back my mind wandered back about a guy I had met nearly 10 years ago. I saw his band one night, he had flirted with me, but nothing happened (I was 16!), and I hadn't really thought of him much after that. I remembered his name and Googled him and found his blog. He turned out to be even cuter than I remembered and that night when my boyfriend came home I may have fantasized about other guy while having sex with my boyfriend.
So, obviously that was not a big deal but then I made the mistake of emailing other guy. I am an idiot. Long story short, he was turned on by the fact that I remembered him and although I resisted the idea at first, we have started sending sex emails back and forth. Sharing stories, pictures, fantasies, etc. I am super turned on by it! I live thousands and thousands of miles and an ocean away from this other guy. Yeah, I admit it would be hot to have real sex with other guy one day but not if I'm with my boyfriend. Plus, I am so turned on all the time, I am having more fun crazy sex with my boyfriend. My question is, is this a horrible thing to do? Am I obliged to tell my boyfriend about it? If he was doing the same thing, I wouldn't want to know and I wouldn't care unless he actually went out and had sex with the girl. Is it ok for me to assume he feels the same and just go with it?
The Worst Idiot Girlfriend?
My response after the jump...
If you ask me—and, hey, you did ask me!—I'd say you're not obliged to tell your boyfriend about what is and shall remain, thanks to that ocean, an innocent flirtation. Online infatuations tend to burn hot and quick, TWIG, particularly in situations where real-time, in-person, dishonest-to-God infidelity is an impossibility. Pretty soon you're going to run out of things to sext him. At that point you'll grow bored with him, he'll grow bored with you, and your virtual affair will wind down.
So no harm, no foul... unless, of course, there's harm.
You're mature enough to assume that your boyfriend might be doing the same—fantasizing about another girl now and then, possibly even flirting with another girl now and then—and you're okay with that provided he was discreet and considerate enough to effectively cover his tracks. You would feel hurt, however, if you were stumble across evidence of his flirting with someone else, e.g. "harmless" texts, stories, pictures, and fantasies that he shared with another girl that he didn't sleep with and never had any intention of sleeping with.
You're creating quite a large digital trail there, TWIG, one that your boyfriend could stumble over today, tomorrow, or ten years from now. And once you click send—once you blast those pics out to a man that you barely know—you're no longer in control of them. That sexy guy could be forwarding your pics to his friends, posting them to a website, or storing them on a laptop or smartphone that could be lost or stolen one day.
You can't un-send those pictures, texts, and stories, of course, but for your boyfriend's sake—for your relationship's sake—you should cover your tracks as best you can. Adopt a delete-as-you-go policy, trashing all texts, emails, sexts, and pics as soon as you send/receive 'em (along with anything you currently have saved), and ask your fantasy buddy to adopt a delete-as-he-blows policy, trashing all texts, emails, sexts, and pics just as soon as he rubs one out (and he should delete everything he might have saved).
You'll never know for certain that he deleted everything, of course, but if he's a good guy—and that's big if—your request will increase the odds that he'll delete your pictures once he's had his wank.
And finally, TWIG, knowing what you now know about yourself and knowing what you're capable of—admit it: you'd be fucking the shit out of that boy if it weren't for that ocean—it's important that you refrain from texting, sexting and sharing fantasies with any other boys who aren't at least one ocean away, if not two, for as long as your relationship is defined as sexually exclusive.