I'm hoping you can help me. I'm currently in the most loving, connected relationship I've ever had. I came out when I was 20 (I'm 26 now) and I've been in one serious relationship before this one. My guy now is not only gorgeous and hilarious, but honest to a fault. He's a genuine catch. We've already hit serious love territory and often talk about our future together. It feels like this could be "it," and I still find myself wondering what he sees in me after eight months. I'm not down on myself, Dan, but I don't have his chiseled chest and abs, or his beautiful blonde hair. I'm handsome, clever, and the boys like me. But while I'm a mere mortal, he's an Adonis. Our sense of humour is what connects us, and the good times come effortlessly. The sex is fucking fantastic.
But, completely unbeknownst to him, I find myself fantasizing about my boyfriend fucking other men. Nearly every time we have sex, I picture myself watching him engage in sexual acts with men just as beautiful as him. It could be a byproduct of what is probably an unhealthy porn habit (once every day at least). Or it could be that I'm truly a masochist, because I believe I would be emotionally devastated if this actually happened. As hot as it might be in the moment, I don't know that I'd be able to rid myself of the doubt that other men might be more appealing to him, especially after he's tried fucking a few different ones. I know this is pathetic and insecure of me, but I can't help. I'm caught in my own web.
What do I do?
P.S. Did I mention that he came out just a few months before we got together, and has only fooled around with one guy before we got together?
What do you do?
What don't you do?
You don't complain to your gay friends who don't have boyfriends about how tough it is to date a guy who's as beautiful as your boyfriend. Unless you want a slap.
P.S. You're acutely aware of a significant beauty imbalance between you and your Adonis-like new boyfriend—an imbalance that could be entirely imaginary—and beauty = erotic power and humans seem to have an innate and hardwired capacity to eroticize feelings of powerlessness and your daily porn habit has conditioned your brain to enjoy images Adonises fucking other Adonises and your brain has created a porn loop that plays endlessly in your head that features your new Adonis-like boyfriend fucking other Adonis-like guys which not only eroticizes your feelings of relative erotic powerlessness but at the same time tweaks your insecurities about your new boyfriend's relative inexperience and this shit is making you crazy.
Just writing that paragraph made me crazy.
There's not much you can do to stop your erotic imagination from tormenting you with those fantasies, MM. If things work out and you're together with this Adonis for a long, long time, you'll become more secure in the relationship. (It's possible that your relationship will outlast your new boyfriend's Adonis-like attributes—pecs sag, abs go slack, hair falls out. Time is a real bitch.) In a few years you may even find that you're able to realize your fantasies—that you're able to watch your Adonis-like boyfriend fuck another Adonis-like dude—without feeling emotionally devastated or spending the rest of the night worrying that he's going to dump you for another Adonis.
And if things don't work out and and you're not together for very long, MM, then you might as well enjoy the time you have with this Adonis—and you might as well try to enjoy those fantasies you're having about watching your Adonis get it with other Adonises. Because your erotic imagination is going to go right on tormenting you with those fantasies whether you want it to or not.