I liked you much better when you column was called "Hey, Faggot!" At least you had a better fawking sense of humor then. How's that overly serious bullshit working out fer ya?

I need your help. When I was younger I dated women and had sex with them which I enjoyed a lot. As I've grown older I've come to realize that it was always me who had to show some interest in them and
actively pursue them to get them interested in me. Lately I've grown tired of doing that and want them to chase me but none of them do. If I tell them that, they always give me some reason or excuse why they can't do that. All of the reasons sound good to me, so I don't question it. I try not to act like an asshole and be nice, am not a slob, dress nicely and am conversational, but none of them ever makes a move to indicate interest, so I've found myself starting to hate women.

So I've thought about turning queer. Is it possible to think will myself homo? I am not really attracted to another man's penis but maybe manhole would be okay. Can I learn to be a fag?

Hey, Everybody Likes Penis

My response after the jump...

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If coming to despise the people you're condemned to fuck—the folks your dick/pussy orders you to pursue and screw, the only folks in a position to screw you over and/or break your heart—inspired people to alter or flip their sexual orientations, HELP, gay men and lesbians would all go straight, straight men and women would all go gay, and bisexuals would go nuts. And then everybody would go back once they got screwed over by the new objects of their affections/afflictions.

So you're stuck with women, you charmer you, and women, sadly for women everywhere and their holes down there, are stuck with you. Unless this video isn't a parody...

...and there actually is hope for unhappy heterosexuals.