Slightly over a year ago I started dating a girl who confessed her unwavering open-mindedness; literally every sexual thought and act was cool with her. I, in turn, told her that I was bisexual and was attracted to her open-mindedness—especially as it related to the potential of bringing another guy, girl (she's bi-curious and loves lesbian porn), or bi couple into the mix at some point. She told me she had had an MMF encounter in the past and enjoyed herself, but it was in the context of a "fucked up" relationship in which her ex-boyfriend caused her a lot of PTSD (the particulars of which I won't get into). At the time we had this discussion, we were just beginning to be exclusive, and she stated that she'd be open to having a guy, girl, or couple enter our bedroom at some point. I pursued a long-term relationship with her because I felt that she a) understood me and b) had similar fantasies/thoughts.

Lo and behold, a year later, my girlfriend is no longer so sure that she is eager to share me—with anyone. She says she likes the idea of a threesome, but she's not ready for it nor can she guarantee she'll ever be amenable to the idea again. She has concluded that any future threesome experiences would be as traumatizing as her previous experiences, which took place in the context of a bad relationship. These were sexual encounters that she did not initiate but in which she partook. My girlfriend feels that I am essentially doing the same thing that her ex did—trying to initiate a threesome for her instead of allowing her to instigate. I told her that she's unfairly associating her past, traumatic experiences and projecting them onto our quite normal, happy relationship. Moreover, I told her that I wouldn't want to have a threesome unless she was into it, and I wouldn't get any satisfaction from it knowing that I was "forcing" her into going through with it.

Regardless, it's frustrating because she had been so open to the idea at the onset of our relationship. I feel like I was baited with statements that lured me into a long-term relationship with her (I do love her but also want to be with someone who is open sexually open-minded), and now the switch has taken place: She is only interested in one-on-one sex, most likely forever. I find myself chatting up couples or singles on CL but I would never go through with meeting anyone because I would be betraying her trust. I've even thought about being friendly with a bi guy and just having him come over to hang out with us so that over time, maybe things would spontaneously happen. However, she's not stupid, and she'd pick up on the rouse.

What's a bi guy to do?

Brazil Nut From D.C.

My response after the jump...


I'm going to have to be quick here—there's this thing that I gotta go do—so I'm gonna invite commenters, normally so shy about sharing their perspectives with SLLOTDers, to weigh in and improve upon my quickly dashed off advice for BNFDC.

What's a bi guy to do? In my opinion a bi guy—you—ought to breakup with his girlfriend and breakup with her ASAP. You're already trawling the Internet looking for other bi guys and couples to play with, BNFDC, which is a bad sign/good indication that you're halfway out the door. Better a clean-if-painful breakup now than a messy-and-painful breakup/blowup once your girlfriend stumbles over the evidence of your online flirtations. Which she will.

But if you want avoid/delay the inevitable breakup/blowup, BNFDC, you could try this: Calmly explain to your girlfriend that you understand her reluctance to have a threesome, due to those highly negative/convenient experiences in her past, but one of the big reasons you pursued a relationship with her was because she indicated at the start that being with her would not prevent you from ever again expressing this man-on-man aspects of your sexuality. Tell her you're not asking her to do anything she doesn't want to do—no threeways—but you're going to express this aspect of your sexuality with or without her.

Good luck.