Unbelievably, the movie studios chose not to screen the new Taylor Lautner movie Abduction for critics. WHAAAAAAT? It's like they don't have any faith in their product! They screened that stupid documentary about those idiots in Pearl Jam. They even screened Sarah Jessica Parker's latest starring role (Seabiscuit). But they don't screen a movie that stars Taylor Lautner's abs? IT EVEN HAS "AB" IN THE TITLE! That's why—in this week's film section—I was forced to write a review of Abduction, based solely on the film's trailer. Here's an excerpt:

The trailer for Abduction starts with teenage Nathan Price (the ab-licious Taylor Lautner) squinching his face up like an anus and wondering, "Why do I feel like a stranger in my own life?" BECAUSE YOU ARE, YO! Nathan's new girlfriend—who resembles Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's missing triplet (let's call her Ashley-Kate)—shockingly finds Nathan's photo on a missing children website. Before he gets a chance to ask his pretend parents (Dr. Del Amico from E.R. and Lucius Malfoy) what the fuck is up, the CIA busts in, kills them, and suddenly young Nathan Price—"a high-valued asset," according to CIA Chief "Dr. Octopus")—is on the run with Ashley-Kate and his new best friend, the mummified corpse of Sigourney Weaver.

Read the rest here. Obviously, the line is going to be out the fucking door tonight over at the Lloyd Cinemas—so leave the house early. And if you need any further proof that this is going to be the ab-solute finest film of the year, here's Taylor Lautner's... I mean, Abduction's current Rotten Tomatoes "Top Critics" rating!


Okay, so maybe it was a good idea not to screen it.