Earlier this week, the Mercury's imbecilic managers called me into their failing publication's squalid offices. There they asked me to "reevaluate" the way I was running the Mercury's Twitter feed. I listened to their constructive criticism, took several moments to consider it, and then informed the pencil-necked dweebs that they should shut their blowjob holes. Then I set a garbage can on fire and left. After that, they should have been smart enough to take away my blog-posting "privileges," correct?

Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit - Live at Keller Auditorium March 4!
Jason Isbell has established himself as one of the most respected songwriters of his generation. Don’t miss Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit, March 4th at Keller Auditorium!

Shows what you know, fuckwit.

• Her childlike enthusiasm reaching heretofore undiscovered levels of obnoxiousness, bicycle-obsessed Sarah Mirk shat herself in delight when she got to visit a tricycle factory.

• Ned Lannamann whimpered and trembled at the "1 in 3,200" chance he might be brutally obliterated by a burning piece of space debris plummeting out of the sky. Fingers crossed.

• Deciding it's never too early to post bullshitty news about bullshit, Marjorie Skinner "reported" that a pop-up shop opening in December will offer this town's fancy-lads "classic men's products with a modern urban curve." STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! THERE'S SOME BULLSHIT IN THEM.

• Denis "I'll Take 'Pompous Ass' for 800, Alex" Theriault, having decided to once again grace us with his presence, rambled on about Portland's perennially boring City Hall. I did not read this post.

• Surprising no one, legally retarded simpleton Erik Henriksen revealed that he has no fucking idea how polls work.

• Fearmonger Alex Zielinski attempted to sow the seeds of terror amongst Blogtown's mouth-breathing readers. A noble aim, Ms. Zielinski—if only you weren't so mentally feeble as to forget that there's no way the average Blogtown reader can comprehend a graph. Idiot.

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff spent four hours of company time carefully PhotoShopping an image of Marcus Camby in front of a giant leaf of marijuana. The unemployment rate in Portland is currently at 8.9 percent, Mr. Caraeff. Give your job to someone who deserves it.

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• Wm. Steven Humphrey gleefully invoked the Holocaust in an inane post he wrote about shit-covered geese. Normally I'd remark that Mr. Humphrey's ostensibly comedic reference to a historical travesty was forced, inappropriate, and intellectually lazy, but come, let us be adults here: We all know the Holocaust never happened.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. (TRY TO STOP ME, DICKLICKERS.) I urge you to do the same.

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30