GOOD MORNING MR. AND MRS. BLOGTOWN! I give to the needy, and not the greedy. Mmm, that's right. 'Cause, you see, baby, when you're lackin', you're losin'! And I'm out the door! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Good morning, iPad killer! Amazon reveals the Kindle Fire—a tablet that can be had for less than half of the price of an iPad. Meanwhile, I've also released a tablet, called the "Legal Pad." You can write on it, read it, and it only cost $2.99.

Dr. Conrad Murray—the physician who prescribed the drugs said to have caused Michael Jackson's death—is scheduled to testify today, and has a lot of 'splainin' to do!

Iran is planning on sending their ships near U.S. waters, and we're planning on sending our fists near their FACE.

Tainted cantaloupes—oh-whoa-whoa-whoaaa! Don't touch me please, I cannot stand the way you TEEEASE!

Today in "SHUT UP, SARAH PALIN": The failed Alaskan governor is whining that she's going to sue over Joe McGinniss' new tell-all book.

Seven young people are arrested in a SAT cheating scam, in which a 19-year-old charged kids $1500 to take the test for them. (Hmmm... I wonder how much he would charge to blog for me today.)

Florida wants to vote early in the GOP primary—because a) they're dicks, b) they love Herman Cain, and c) I kind of love them. ELECT THE CRAZIEST CANDIDATE YOU CAN, FLORIDA!

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is not, repeat not, running for President—despite of all the crazy people currently in the race.

Sex offender Roman Polanski publicly half-apologizes to the former 13-year-old he sexually assaulted, saying, "She is a double victim: my victim and a victim of the press." Funny... I don't remember drugging and anally raping her.

The Oregonian asks if "pie" is the new "cupcake." Yes, "pie" was the new "cupcake"—LAST YEAR. "Fried strips of human skin" are the new "pie."

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Once those clouds get the fuck out of the way, expect a warming trend of 73 today and 80 tomorrow.

And finally, a funny way to torture pugs is to send them down a slide.