GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Two years ago, promises was all I heard.... wait a minute! Let me finish! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Today in "fucked up stories that are freaking unbelievable, yet too difficult to explain in a couple short sentences," the U.S. is accusing Iran of plotting to kill a Saudi envoy on American soil—with help from an Iranian-American car salesman who thought he was hiring a Mexican drug cartel member to carry out the assassination, and... YES, IT GETS WEIRDER.

The Nigerian man accused of being the 2009 "Underwear Bomber" confesses that, yes, those were his explosive underpants.

Now that the GOP has killed Obama's job bill—BECAUSE, AS I'VE MENTIONED A FEW TIMES BEFORE, THEY HATE JOBS—the president plans on breaking it up into smaller, hopefully more passable bills. But that probably won't work either, because THE GOP HATES JOBS.

In last night's GOP debate, they all looked dumb and ridiculous—though Gov. Rick Perry looked more dumber and more ridiculouser than ever. (But not as ridiculouser as Cain's "9-pizzas-for-9.99-on-9/9/2009" plan.)

Like a stubborn case of genital herpes, the three-day Blackberry outage continues to spread, now to North America.

Sony Playstation's network is once again under attack! Pew! Pew-pew-pew-pew!! (I'm trying to do a "videogame gun" sound effect. Does that work for you?)

Critics blast a radio station's "Win a Baby" contest. I agree! Who would ever want a baby?? Where's my Lady Gaga tickets?!?!

Sara Leal—(one of) the gal(s) who boned Ashton Kutcher—speaks out and gives a very gross account about how he seduced her, followed by his penis falling into her vagina.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A nice dry spell (with a few clouds) through the weekend—and what's this? A HOT Monday and Tuesday??

And finally, Samuel L. Jackson joins Twitter... and of course, here's his first tweet.

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