You responded to a woman who discovered her husband was gay last June and provided her brief but excellent advice—as you often do—then you ended with blanket apologies from, well the likes of me.

I am gay. I didn't want to be. My dad was gay and I was very angry at him for it. He hurt my mother. He hurt my family. He was a better man after he came out. In high school in mid 80's and in the buckle of the Bible belt I thought that if my friends knew about Dad they would shun me as an "AIDS leper." There was an openly gay kid in school and his life was hell. When I realized that I was attracted to boys I became very shy and withdrawn. I dated girls and was adament that I was straight. I had gay sex in college. I knew for sure that I was gay but I still tried to hide it. I fell in love with a boy but I cut off the relationship with him and dated a girl instead. She was nice, kind of a fag hag, and she gave good head so I thought, "Heck, maybe this girl can make me straight." She knew about my former boyfriend and found the porn under my bed. I said I was bi. She said OK.

Twenty years later and three kids later: I hate my life. I have never allowed myself to have a friend because I was afraid I would fall in lust/love with him. I don't enjoy sex. I do love my wife but more as a friend. I have not physically cheated on her but I did hide porn and chats. I got close to hooking up but never really went through with it. I came out to my wife a year ago. I want to make it work for the kids but I feel like I am living more of a lie than before. I didn't mean to hurt her, or anyone else. I was afraid. In a way I bullied myself. I watched that boy in high school to get bullied and took it all in. I have always been "tolerance" type, left wing and relatively liberal, but I understand where those right-wing nut jobs are coming from. All those guys trying to be something they are not. You die a little inside when society says you are sinful.

To SIMP and the all other straight spouses out there I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I cannot speak for your husbands who lied about themselves but I know that I lied out of fear and that lie hurt me and others.

Still Her Hurting Husband

My response after the jump...

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Thanks for writing, SHHH, and thanks for apologizing on behalf of all the gay men out there who did exactly what the religious right would like all gay men everywhere to do: stay closeted, find a woman, lie to her, marry her, have some kids, and then spend the rest of your life staring down the awful choice between staying closeted and continuing to live a lie or coming out upending the lives of your wife and children. I have nothing much to add.

Except this: SHHH? Don't stay together for the kids. Come out to your kids, separate from your wife, and get out there—both of you get out there—while there's still time to find new partners. She deserves to have a man in her life who can truly love her, SHHH, and you deserve the same in your life.

And for those who believe that gay people can choose to be straight: suck on this link for a while.