GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! She studies real hard, all night she'll cram. In school she majors in ADVANCED DEF JAM! Let's go to press.

Rescue teams comb the rubble in search of survivors of yesterday's massive earthquake in Turkey that left over 230 dead, and 1300 injured.

Bodies of 53 loyalists to Gadhafi have been found dead in a hotel... and I'm pretty sure it wasn't because they ate the fish.

Saif Al-Islam Gadhafi, the son of the dead dictator who still believes he is somehow destined to take over the throne of his dickhead pop, is on the lam and shooting off his big dumb mouth. (Did you not see the video of what they did to your dad?)

Ambassador to Syria Robert Ford is yanked out of the country by U.S. officials due to "credible threats against his personal safety."

Wikileaks is taking a temporary fundraising hiatus because of a "financial blockade by Bank of America, VISA, MasterCard, PayPal and Western Union" that has scuttled its finances. WOW, that' surprising, because all of them are such GOOD GUYS.

Realizing that his jobs plan isn't going anywhere—because, you know, REPUBLICANS HATE JOBS—Obama gives the GOP the finger with a crop of new "executive based" decisions.

In news you care about, and I don't: Michele Norris of NPR's All Things Considered is taking an extended leave of absence from the show. Yawn.

In news you DO care about, 76-year-old country singer Loretta Lynn was hospitalized over the weekend with the early stages of pneumonia.

Jennifer Lopez breaks down in tears on stage after what sounds like an excruciatingly long and self-absorbed interpretive dance number about all the former men in her life. (Naturally, she had absolutely nothing to do with botching these botched relationships.)

Millions of bees in Utah escape after the semi truck carrying them crashes. FLY MY PRETTIES! ATTACK THE MITT ROMNEY!!

In case you missed it, the Portland Police issued a media alert yesterday that they had arrested a couple people for drugs at the Occupy Portland camp. HUH, THAT'S WEIRD! The PPB never sends out alerts for such minor crimes outside the camp... they must think Occupy Portland is really special.

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Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Dry, lots of sun, but frosty mornings this week—so put on those spiked bike tires!

And finally, the richest 1% finally have their own protest, called "Occupy Main Street." Profits not people! Profits not people! Profits not… can you pass the caviar, Bunny?


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