Morality aside, those sunglasses totally blow.
  • AP
  • Morality aside, those sunglasses totally blow.

A deserted, dimly lit hallway. Somewhere in northern Virginia. A reporter approaches a soldier, the former wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and the latter wearing cutting edge warfighting technofetishist gadgetry.

The soldier's shirt cost twice as much as the reporter's car.

"Hey Blackwater! You just helped destabilize a region known for religiously-motivated bloodshed, completely escaped persecution for shooting dozens of innocent Iraqi civilians ..."

"Including children, dude. Don't forget the children."

"... right, including children. And on top of all this, everyone working for you made a frankly stupid amount of cash courtesy the United States government."

"Yeah? So, what's your point Cronkite?"

"Well, I guess I was just wondering ... what are you gonna do next?"

"Dude, I'm gonna star in a videogame!"

Hit the jump for — no lie — video footage of the game in action.

As of this morning, there is a Kinect-compatible Xbox 360 game available that is based on the exploits of a private military contractor known as Xe Services. Formerly, Xe was known as "Blackwater" or as "those dudes who shot 17 civilians in Baghdad then proceeded to take a huge shit on the US justice system."

Said shit is still resting neatly on Lady Justice's scales, as no one seems to be able to level viable litigation at the firm, either for the Baghdad incident, or any number of other events that earned Blackwater an international reputation as evil, greedy soldiers of fortune.

That all seems a bit unfair though. I mean, if these guys were just in it for the money, why, they'd license their name and merchandising rights to some bullshit game developer and make a terrible Modern Warfare knockoff that will sell a million copies to well-meaning Southern grannies hoping to teach Lil' Bubba how to properly field strip an AR-15 before his 13th birthday.

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No, this is not a company just in it for the cash. After all, they decided to create a Modern Warfare knockoff that is also a Kinect game! (Translation: Perhaps worried that the terrible graphics would get lonely, the developers also gave the game terrible controls and terrible gameplay.)

Don't expect me to actually review this game. If it was just bad, I'd be okay with that, but this is bad and cynical and wants to take your cash and kick you to the curb so the Blackwater suits can buy another vest made from real gorilla chest as soon as possible.

If any of you suddenly have interest in picking the game up for yourself, here's a link to Amazon. On the excellent chance that it isn't worth the $50 asking price, don't say we didn't warn you.