First: My boyfriend will not masturbate himself during sexy time. We are a straight, monogamous couple, have been together for years, I get myself off during vaginal intercourse almost every time we have sex (the other times he gets me off afterwards). I am also the worst giver of handjobs ever, and he is the kind of guy that likes blowjobs as foreplay but never finishes from them. So I suggest helping himself, the way I do, and it's like he just can't do it when I'm there. It frustrates me because I feel like this would work, may be the only way it would work, I want him to get off, and I think it might be kind of hot. How do I help him feel more comfortable giving himself a hand?

Second: In my experience, women in open relationships tend to also be pretty disrespectful of other people's monogamy, i.e., WAY touchy feely on my boyfriend, your boyfriend, any man whether they know if he's attached or not. It rubs me the wrong way. I don't care if they want to be open, but acting like a dog in heat, especially when you know the leg you're trying to hump is not available, makes the people in open relationships look bad. Polyamorous women, same thing (in my experience). Is it too much to ask that open/poly people respect that not everyone wants to be open, and that they keep their hands to themselves unless given the traditional signs of interest, the way the rest of the unattached world does?

One And Only

My response after the jump...


First: some people have a hard time touching themselves during sex—putting a hand down there, getting themselves close, finishing themselves off—because they either feel they shouldn't touch themselves (masturbation is shameful!) or they feel that they shouldn't have to touch themselves (masturbation is for when you're alone!) or some combo of both. Your best course is to continue pointing out to your boyfriend that you touch yourself when you're with him—look at you! taking responsibility for your own orgasms! not laying there expecting him to do everything!—while also offering to keep your eyes closed, or to wear a blindfold, the first few dozen times he does touches himself. That way he won't have to watch you watching him while he touches himself in your presence.

Second: It's not too much to ask people in open/poly relationships to respect closed relationships, OAO, and people in open/poly relationships shouldn't undermine or sabotage monogamous relationships in the pursuit of cheap thrills and/or secondary partners. That does make people in open relationships look bad. Also not too much to ask: people in closed relationships should be careful about reading malicious and/or flirtatious intent into an innocent interaction that happens to involve a person in an open/poly relationship. That makes people in closed relationships look ridiculous.