Sure, The Walking Dead is ohhhhhhhhhhh-kay. But American Horror Story is clearly the best show currently in rotation on TV today! So we should totally be chitty-chatting about it, right? RIGHT. Hit the jump for my thoughts on last night's CROTCH-GRABBING (literally) episode, or hop right into the comments for some hardcore psycho-sexual chitty-chat!

Youre havin my gimp baby! What a lovely way of sayin how much you love me!
  • Courtesy FX
  • "You're havin' my gimp baby! What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me!"

Here's what I learned from last night's episode, "Halloween, Part One":

1) I learned that both FX and DirecTV are dicks. News Corp. (who currently owns FX, Fox News, Fox Sports, etc) is in a huge battle right now over carrier fees, which DirecTV feels is way too exorbitant, and News Corp. thinks is justified (it's not). Anyway the really unfortunate part of all this is that DirecTV (which I subscribe to) is threatening to dump FX and other News Corp. networks on November 1st if the megaconglomeration doesn't drop their rates, which in turn led to the super annoying scrolling that was interrupting last night's episode, and the equally annoying plea from producer Ryan Murphy to keep FX on the satellite provider. If you want to read more about it, go here—or do as I do, and refuse to give a shit about either of them. If it's no longer on DirecTV, I'll watch it online somewhere. BIG FUCKING WHOOP.

2) Ummm.... where was the sexy maid?

3) YAY! Newly publicly anointed "gay man" Zachary Quinto (Spock) guest-starred last night as one of the former murdered residents of the house! He was great, I thought. And while I certainly appreciated his boyfriend grabbing Ben's (Dylan McDermott) crotch, I could've easily used 50% more gay sex in that episode.

4) My favorite moment? When the E.R. nurse saw the devil gimp baby forming in Viv's stomach and hit the deck! (Guess it wasn't "gas" then.) I remember thinking, "OMIGOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH!"

5) Second most favorite moment? Naturally, any scene involving Constance (Jessica Lange) and her Down Syndrome daughter Addie which always makes me say, "OMIGOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH!" The hit and run was predictable|sad|funny|magical.

6) And so what do you think about Tate (the young blonde psychopath) dressing up in the gimp suit? Are we to assume he's the one who impregnated mom? If so, NICE.

7) Fave line: When Zach insults Viv's witch costume (from Rite-Aid) and Ben's horrid Dracula outfit ("Count Jockula").

8) The show ended a bit weak for my taste, but it is the first part of the the two-parter Halloween episode. Let's just hope next week they bring back the sexy masturbating maid!

Oh, dont mind me, Im just down here masturbating.
  • Courtesy FX
  • "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just down here masturbating."