Weee-hooo! It was another ridiculously campy, sex-filled romp on last night's American Horror Story... and if you're not watching it? Get on the bus, yo! It's the best goddamn show currently running! As per usual, check out my spoilerific thoughts after the jump, or hop right into the comments if you like! Let's light this candle!

I dont know... Im hungry for Persian tonight.
  • Courtesy FX
  • "I don't know... I'm hungry for Persian tonight."


Okay, here's what I'm thinking...

1) Hurray! It's the return of the masturbating maid—and last night? She was not the only one masturbating! I'm talking about Viv, of course, who was rocking the box with her little buzzy hand-held pal... until she was interrupted by multiple fantasy beaus which included Ben, hot security guard, and of course, Gimpy McGimperson. FOCUS, VIV. FOCUS.

2) Speaking of masturbating maid, she gave her veej a much needed rest, turning instead to oral gratification—which was especially gratifying (until the end of course... CHOMP!!) for our Persian Armenian developer who had his heart set on tearing down the haunted house to build affordable housing. GODDAMMIT, CONSTANCE! Now how am I gonna afford living in that neighborhood??

3) We also saw the 1994 version of crazy $1000-begging Two-Face, before the burns set in. Turns out he was hot for Constance, but things got decidedly hotter when crazy wifey tried to burn the house down with him in it. Nowadays he drops by uninvited, and gets guns pulled on him by the real estate agent. (I like her! Though I should probably wait to see how dead she actually is...)

4) Short takes: Since when did Sloth from The Goonies move upstairs? Ben was acting especially macho last night... way to pick on a burn victim, big man! And FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY Ben and Viv are starting to figure out, "Wait a second... I think there might be ghosts in this house!" Yeah... no "S," Herlock!

5) Your thoughts, smarty pants?

Now that was one salty Persian.