I want to start an Oregonians-with-umbrellas meme, who's with me? (Also, if anyone has any tips on sturdy umbrella brands, I could use 'em—this happened on the Burnside Bridge this morning and for 20 minutes it was like I was the protagonist in a movie about a high school nerd who eventually gets the girl but I was stuck in an early establishing shot of just how pathetic his life is.)

Obviously, everything about Portland is terrible at this moment. It is raining super hard and windy and my cat was in a super bad mood this morning and kept biting me on the foot and suicide actually seemed like a viable alternative to getting out of bed. So I looked to the internet for encouragement (never a bad idea) and found this Lifehacker article about ways to "make waking up comfortable and pleasurable (instead of punishing)," which encouraged me to:

Support The Portland Mercury

1. Stretch.
2. Consider a "scented oil diffuser (perhaps put on a timer) with oils that are supposed to be energizing, like citrus" (?? do I live in a Turkish harem? I do not.)
3. Make a sunrise simulator.

Fuck that. I need a new umbrella.