Approximately 4,000 movies are opening this holiday weekend, and all of them are desperately hoping to claim big ticket sales thanks to (A) families who feel obligated to spend time with each other but don't want to actually talk to each other, and/or (B) lonely people without families who would rather sit in a dark room with strangers than sit alone in their dark homes. Christmas at the movies: It's magical!

We can't help you with your terrible family or your debilitating, soul-killing loneliness, but in terms of the movies themselves? WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. This week's massive Mercury Film section reviews all of the major releases. You can find all our reviews here, or use the individual links below.

• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: As a David Fincher fan, I was not blown away by this. But I kind of want to see it again just to see the opening credits sequence.

• Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Are you an idiot? Then this movie is not for you, idiot.

• Steven Spielberg's Battle Pony: Many publications are erroneously referring to this film by its shooting title, War Horse. THEY ARE INCORRECT.

• Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise wearing Spider-Man gloves and running around on the tallest building in the world WHOOOOOAAAAAAA

• The Adventures of Tintin: Many publications are erroneously referring to this film by its shooting title, Steven Spielberg's Other Christmas Movie That Isn't About a Battle Pony. (P.S. Christ, settle down, Tintin nerds.)

• A Dangerous Method: I would pay good money to see a review of this on Church Chat.

• Sleeping Beauty: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

• We Bought a Zoo: Huh. There is a lot of anger inside of Ned.

• The Artist: In which Jamie S. Rich sneaks another stupid No Doubt reference into my award-winning Film section.

There's even more in Film Shorts. And here are Portland's best/most accurate/most complete Movie Times.