As we finally finish our slog through another year's worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication's cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to "take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!" Mr. Humphrey's masturbatory goal is, no doubt, to remind his slack-jawed "readers" what a valuable resource the Mercury's shitty little blog is; I, however, view his request as a final opportunity to remind you retards how much time you've wasted over the past 12 months—and to urge you, yet again, to do something marginally less depressing with your time in 2012.

So every day this week, I'll be bringing you a pathetically useless Blogtown post from 2011. Should you insist on continuing to visit Blogtown during a week when most people are either on vacation or leading lives worth living, you deserve to be reminded that you are an imbecile for continuing to encourage these syphilis-slathered turds. —Frank Cassano

THE FOURTH-WORST BLOGTOWN POST OF 2011: "Today in Cat Documentaries: The Standard of Perfection" (Friday April 1, 2011 at 12:14 pm)

In an office full of limp-wristed, mouth-breathing hipsters, Ms. Hallett has somehow accomplished the notable feat of becoming the most pitiable among them. Doomed to die alone—no doubt while desperately clinging to her loneliness and insisting it is "independence"—Ms. Hallett's oblivious uselessness is never on display more than whenever she refuses to shut the fuck up about her cat, your cat, a rabies-stricken cat she saw on the street this morning, or any cat that has ever existed anywhere. Last April, Ms. Hallett decided it would be a good use of people's time if she demanded they watch a documentary about people like herself.


Ms. Hallett, as 2012 begins, I encourage you to challenge yourself with a resolution: Be less like yourself, and more like anyone else. Also, shut the fuck up about cats.