I'm writing to you because I suspect you'll confirm something I am pretty sure is true, but all my friends are telling me isn't true (probably because they want to be nice). I'd like an honest answer once and for all.

See, I'm an overweight woman. Not obese, but chubby—not big enough for fat fetishists, I've been told, but still quite a bit larger than what's conventionally considered attractive. The problem is that I like conventionally attractive men—confident guys with classically handsome faces who look like they take care of themselves. But the only dudes who seem interested in me are old men who hit on me in bars, and geeky, socially awkward guys who I suspect see me as approachable because of my weight. I'm not blanket criticizing men in those categories; they're just not my type and I don't feel like I need to settle. I tried lowering my standards and met a really sweet guy, but I found his meekness, lack of self esteem and doughy body unattractive, and it wasn't sexually fulfilling for me. I'm not doing it again.

I see a direct connection between my socially undesirable body type and the fact that the men I like don't want me. My friends say it's all down to my attitude, but I don't think I would attract ANYONE if that was true. I do get some interest, just not from anyone who really interests me. I take generally good care of myself (probably don't exercise as much as I should, obviously); I have a pretty face and I present myself well, but it does nothing for me. Meanwhile, even the meanest of my thinner friends always manage to date the kind of men I'd love to have a shot with. So let's cut to the chase here—the best explanation for my not bagging hot dudes is my extra poundage, right?

I Can Handle The Truth

My response after the jump...


Yeah, ICHTT, the extra poundage is a problem. But it's not your only problem.

You've heard of self-fulfilling prophecies, right?

There are conventionally-attractive guys out there who are into unconventionally-attractive girls—and that includes lots CAGs into girls with some extra poundage—but if you've convinced yourself that CAGs into UAGs like you don't exist, ICHTT, then your friends may be right about it being your attitude, not your appearance, that's sabotaging your romantic life. If truly believe that that no CAG could ever be into you, and you scowl resentfully at every CAGs who crosses your path, then you may be scaring off the CAGs with whom you might have had a shot.

Also & obviously: conventionally-attractive guys into unconventionally-attractive girls are, if you'll forgive the expression, thinner on the ground. Most CAGs—male and female—have conventional tastes; that's how a particular look gets to be the conventional taste. And if you're incapable of "lowering your standards" and dating geeky/old/awkward guys with "doughy bodies," ICHTT, then your dates/boyfriends/marriages are going to be fewer and further between than they might be otherwise.

Finally, ICHTT, I've gotten tons of letters over the years from gay guys who look nothing like Brad Pitt/Chord Overstreet/Taylor Lautner who flatly state that they could never be with someone who didn't look exactly like Brad Pitt/Chord Overstreet/Taylor Lautner because average or UA guys "just aren't their types" and isn't it unfair that the Brad Pitt/Chord Overstreet/Taylor Lautner types out there aren't attracted to them and only want to date other Brad Pitt/Chord Overstreet/Taylor Lautner types and why are all the guy Brad Pitt/Chord Overstreet/Taylor Lautner types so shallow and vapid?!?

No one has a problem when I slap gay UAGs around around for their myopic inability to recognize their own role in shoring up beauty standards that they feel so persecuted by. But I suspect I'll be accused of fatphobia if I were to do say something similar to you, ICHTT, so I'm going to let it go.