GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! If you want to buy me flowers, just go ahead now, and if you want to talk for hours, just go ahead now. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A man was shot by police yesterday in North Portland's New Columbia—even more disturbing, nobody really knows why it happened. Denis was on the scene and filed this report.

In a simply shocking turn of events, brainless drooling hillbillies love Santorum! (Coincidentally, they also love GOP candidate Rick Santorum, who took both Alabama and Mississippi in last night's Republican primaries.)

The good news is that Santorum's victory cripples Gingrich, and sets up a long, painful and ultimately fruitless battle with Mittens which will be sooooooo delicious to watch.

Cor' Blimey, Guv'nah! President Obama welcomes the British PM today. (That's Piers Morgan, right?)

After squashing (AKA murdering) the resistance in the north, the Syrian army turns their attention (AKA more murdering) to cities in the south.

A 6.1 magnitude quake rocks Japanno tsunami though. By the way, speaking of earthquakes, if you want the shit scared straight into your pants, check out this week's Mercury feature article coming out later today.

A Goldman Sachs executive quits and gives the company the biggest "fuck you" possible—a scathing editorial in the New York Times.

Remember the Rutgers bullying case in which a guy allegedly cyber-bullied his gay roommate into killing himself? The jury begins deliberations today.

Donald Trump's sons are in the soup but good after pictures emerge of their African safari in which they butcher a number of endangered animals. I NEVER WANT TO STOP PUNCHING THEIR STUPID FACES.

The best Oregonian headline in ages: "Bruce Springsteen tops Adele on the charts, for whatever that's worth."

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rain.

And finally, Twilight's Peter Facinelli and Bev Hills 90210's Jennie Garth are divorcing after 11 years of marriage. I knew they should've never made this ad for Crocs!!