Good morning to my friends who watch network television when it airs. Doesn’t it feel good to experience great things before your friends? Sure, some people might be out “socializing” or “wearing a bra,” but hey, we can’t all be winners. (I am the winner in this scenario, btw.)

These recaps are getting changed up to maximize bloviating for me and for you. Our opinions needed more internet space and now they have it.


SO. How about that 22 minute long Subway ad that was mashed up with Community last night? I died a medium amount each time somebody said “eat fresh,” which was enough times to kill me all the way dead. The Subway corpo-humanoid and his doomed relationship with Britta was kind of fun to watch but I had a seriously difficult time getting into it because it was such a painful product placement. I don’t care how meta it was.


More of everything at the jump!

Speaking of sad, how about Troy and Abed? Sheesh. When the episode started I thought that maybe they were being aired out of sequence because last week’s show ended with friction between the two, then things started okay this week, but they went back into the shitter fast.

  • *tear

And Abed, while being one of the most interesting characters on TV now, or maybe ever, is not being not at all cool cool cool right now. He can’t put away his obsessions long enough to support Troy the one time Troy decides to create something on his own; saying that taking down his fort would be placating mediocrity. Jesus Christ, Abed! You could just say you’d rather not, or maybe find a compromise, you don’t have to be a total dick about it! Even though what is happening between Troy and Abed is an uncomfortable bummer, it is fantastic for the characters. Troy has changed the most of any of them since the show started, going from jock to meganerd under Abed’s wing, and I like that he’s pulling back to be his own person. But I’m sure those kids will work out their differences eventually, as I will never align myself as #teamabed or #teamtroy. I am #teamtrobed forever.

Other notable things: What college has lockers?? John Goodman should always be required to have a goatee and a French braid from here on out. Pierce to Britta: “I forgot it was the 90s.” Taking shots of ink from the microphone pens floored me.

30 Rock

Liz has one of her classic breakdowns, accusing everybody else for causing her life to be a “stagnant, monotonous hell.” No. It’s Liz causing that. It’s the same shtick we’ve seen for many seasons, and I give a dramatic eye roll when the show hints she’ll change her life because we know she won’t. But I think it’s still good this way! Liz tripping out of Jack’s office and into a lampshade is comedy gold. Never change, Liz. I mean, you won't, but also don't.

Hazel the new page has been causing some internet panties to be bunched as people sort out how they feel about her, either passionately loving or despising her character. At first I didn’t get her — she seemed to much like a female Kenneth — but last week won me over. Even though she is still a weird distraction, I’ve settled comfortably into liking her on the show.

Okay, WTF was up with Jack in Liz’s meditation? His Indian accent was shitty enough, but, whoa, did he have on darker face makeup to appear Indian?? I really don’t think white dudes are supposed to do that! Although it could have just been his shitty spray tan in different light. Either way, somebody in the makeup department should probably be fired.

Other notable things: Tracy’s new sequel to Snowdogs: 5 NOW DOG 5. Jack said he once pantsed Deepak Chopra while Craig T Nelson taped it. Liz got a “summer horse grave” scented candle. Siri's band on Letterman was just her sitting on a stool, brushing her hair.

The Office

Maura Tierney is another one of those actors who just can’t stop being on TV. She’s like the Oregonian Food Day of working television actors. She’s just ALWAYS gonna show up, and you’re gonna have to deal with it.

Up All Night

I tuned in because of Stevie Nicks and a puppy. 20 points. As Commenty Colin has pointed out a bunch, Will Arnett’s character says “bro” just way too fucking much. Minus 15 points.