The "weather" is going to be "nice" and "warm" this weekend. Ugh. I'm going out to the Walmart in Clackamas so I can buy a window AC unit or two. Anyone else want in? DM me if U do, K?

A JPMorgan Chase trader who voluntarily calls himself "Voldemort" has helped the financial-services behemoth lose $2 billion in dangerous hedge trades. Rules? Where we're going, we don't need rules.

Hey, Barack? It's Joe. Hi. Soo... remember when I went on TV on Sunday and I promised you I wouldn't say anything stupid? Yeah, we better call up Axelrod and those guys. I, um, well, I kinda jumped the gun on the whole "you're done evolving on gay marriage" shtick. I'm really sorry. [PULLS EAR FROM PHONE AMID INDISCRIMINATE SHOUTING ] ... Aw, come on! I said I was sorry! And maybe this will even help us... [now mumbling] because God knows we need it...

But later, in Hollywood, a presidential fundraiser at the home of former Roseanne and Facts of Life star George Clooney wound up raising a record $15 million for Obama's re-election campaign.

Mayor Sam Adams is fighting with the county sheriff. Again.

Up until late April, the Pentagon taught US military officers that Islam was our country's greatest threat and hinted that wiping out the religion's two holy cities, Mecca and Medina, would be fucking-A, yankee-blue-jeans, dirty rock-'n'-roll awesome.

A federal panel has approved a pill that helps prevent HIV infections in otherwise healthy people—and now we have to hope the FDA doesn't say no because—oh no!—gay men and sex and religion and Republicans.

If I started moonlighting as a stripper, I take comfort in knowing that Mercury editors, after I was outed, would support me by showing up with dollar bills. Which makes me way luckier than this reporter from Houston's daily paper, who's suing her old bosses after they fired her.

A youth baseball game is canceled on account of cooties.

A hypocrite sinned upon when his bike was stolen fails to turn the other cheek—and, thus, sins himself!—by using craigslist to steal his own bike back.

Great. Now that everyone's already wasted money and time buying and reading pseudo-mystical books about 2012, academics decide to announce new jungle etchings that show the Mayan calendar continuing, and not stopping in apocalyptic fashion, after December 21 hits.