Nerve's Ben Reininga wrote an absolutely hilarious piece last week about the terrible sex tips for women in Cosmo. In the interest of fairplay, Ben is back this week with a look at the terrible sex tips for men in Maxim and Men's Health. A sample:

Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”

Just don’t tell Mother. She’s still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.

“Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."

I’d just like to point out that in this scenario—where you’re Ali—her vagina is George Foreman. I’d avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.

"81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.

I want a "Team Surprise Anal" t-shirt. Go read the whole hilarious thing.