Ask for a bigger cake next time, Jake.
  • Ask for a bigger cake next time, Jake.
Our little alligator boy is turning into an alligator man. Jake the Alligator Man—Long Beach's most famous homosapigator (take that Syfy!)—is celebrating his 75th birthday with a huge to-do in the trashy wonderful Washington State tourist trap. Is he going out to paint the town green? Nah, dude can't move. You go to him at Marsh's Free Museum. For 12 years now the Long Beach Merchants Association has been hosting his big bash, and this year looks like a doozy. It starts tomorrow and goes through Saturday. Here are five handy reasons you should go:

1. There's going to be burlesque, live music, and hot rods.
2. Bride of Jake mutant pin-up girl contest!
3. Dunk tank! Which is great because this weekend's going to be a mother of a scorcher. Umm, also there's the refreshing ocean. It's right there, guys!
4. Long Beach has the world's biggest frying pan! In order to prove how hot it's going to be this weekend, maybe they'll fry a dozen eggs in the hot, hot sun. Take note of that awesome idea, Long Beach.
5. 75 is a pretty big birthday. Buy Jake some black "Over the Hill" balloons and a walker. On second thought, maybe the walker is kinda tasteless.