Since my preview went so well, I assumed (correctly) that you'd want to hear more of my thoughts about Apple's big event this morning. For you, dear reader, I took a couple hours out of my morning to kinda watch the Apple announcement while cleaning my apartment. Here are my thoughts.

The most important thing you should know about Apple press events is THEY'RE STILL PRESS EVENTS. Above all, it is insanely boring. That was only exacerbated by the fact that nothing they announced was a surprise. I completely nailed it.

As I predicted, they started by showing some graphs about how much better they are than their competitors. Note that the Apple design aesthetic is so minimalist there's no room to cite sources on the graph.

  • CNET

About the iPhone redesign, I was absolutely right on as well. Here's the side-by-side comparison between the joke phone that I photoshopped and the actual iPhone 5.

*More thoughts after the jump including a harsh critique of a button-up shirts.*

To debut this revolutionary new design, Apple went with the "Lord of the Flies" look, having the phone slowly rise out of the stage on a stick. It was as if the iPhone was running through the woods and we hunted it down and now are displaying its head to impress the king.

  • Engadget

But what about the features? Well, it's a tiny bit bigger. Which means you'll have more screen real estate for your awesome apps. Unless the apps haven't been updated for the new phone in which case you're getting an incredible 18% more letterboxing than previous versions.

Perhaps the most important improvement is the upgrade from 3 to 4G. Finally, this allows users to be lied to about how fast their downloads will be like they're talking to a Comcast representative.

Nobody is going to get 100Mbps. Ever. And even if you did, that would mean you'd hit your 4 gig data limit in under 4 minutes. And it would still drop the connection if there were two other people on your block with iPhones.

I hate to say I told you so, but again, I told you so. I was completely right about the language. Describing the Apple store in Barcelona, CEO Tim Cook said they used limestone from a local quarry. "Nobody would have done this but Apple." Nope. That quarry was there just waiting for you to come up with the idea of using stones to build buildings.

About the iPhone and iPods, we were repeatedly told "This is the best version [of this product] to date." That's a relief. Some people had speculated that Apple might release a significantly worse version of the iPhone (black and white screen, 2G connectivity, and it gives you a mild electric shock every time you use it).

The only thing I didn't mention in my preview was how ridiculous the clothes would be. Apple is a design company. Sure, they dress up their "geniuses" like Best Buy employees, but I would have thought they could have a bit of style for their big day. Instead, the parade of nerdy white guys looked like they were all dressed for a skeezy bachelor party in jeans and a dress shirt.

Phil Shiller chose a shirt made from an army tent. He would have looked great if he was a couch at the Ace Hotel. But he was not.

The iTunes demo guy tucked his dress shirt into his jeans because this was an event for fancy cowboys.

Scott Forstall showed that he was the fun boss with his wacky stripes.

And best of all, Greg Joswick introduced the new iPods while disguised as a giant birthday present.

So are you going to buy an iPhone 5? Of course you are. It's a decent upgrade to an already great product. A new iPod? Maybe. It's not like you're going to get a Zune. $30 for "EarPods", the gross-sounding name for their new headphones? Probably not. A whole new wardrobe in case you're ever asked to demo a product for Apple? Definitely.