I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published Sept 10, 2009:

As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I've had an interest in it.

Long story short, I answered an online ad, went to this guy's house, and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel awful. It's not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I feel like I've let myself down, like I dropped my standards, and I fear sliding down a slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I've never wanted to be one of "those guys."

I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I feel like puking. I can't talk to any of my friends about this—I'm too embarrassed. Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I'm not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about this.

Shouldn't Want Anonymous Thrashings

My Response after the jump...

There's no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the fuck down, okay?


You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn't enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That's just how you're wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.

Don't believe me?

You're one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and you'll meet other guys just like you.