I live in the Buckman neighborhood, and each year we get fewer trick or treaters on Halloween. Five years ago, traffic was steady—this year, I think the doorbell rang maybe six times total.

Parents, what's the deal? Because I'm kind of mad at all of your kids. We carve pumpkins and buy all this candy and sit at home dutifully watching scary movies and waiting for the damn doorbell to ring—and then no one shows! If I wanted to be disappointed by children, I WOULD HAVE THEM. Are all the neighborhood kids lured away by the posh nearby Laurelhurst neighborhood, where I can only assume the "good candy" is handed out? (We give out good candy.) Are the homeless tent compounds in inner Southeast really THAT offputting? Is everyone scared of my neighbors' mustache van? The dynamics of this are a complete mystery to me. All I know is, we have a fuck-load of candy at my house that now I have to eat, and all you moms and dads cutely posting on Facebook about stealing a "parent tax" from your kids' candy stash (DENIS C. THERIAULT) are welcome to come on over and help yourselves.

(Former Mercury news editor Amy Ruiz was similarly bummed about the lack of trick-or-treaters in her neighborhood, so she helped rally the neighbors in what was apparently a very successful drive to reinvigorate trick-or-treating in Woodlawn. I'm not going to do that. Nice idea, though!)